[Herr D]

THE VERY CROSSE KNIGHT Chapter VI: The Foe

Sir Schultz, Knight of the Power to See Evil, on reaching the bottom of the hole, saw a short tunnel leading straight at a glowing orb.
“This is why I couldn’t see it!” said Schultz, “It was underground.” It was so painful to look at. It strobed between evil and good.
And then it spoke in a bone-deep voice. “I AM THE REMAKER. YOU HAVE COME TO CHALLENGE ME?”
“I have.”
“I AM TIRED OF LIFE. THE MOMENT YOU BEGIN FIGHTING ME I WILL REMAKE THE WORLD AS YOU SEE IT.”
“What?”
“IT IS MY NATURE. I HAVE HOPE THAT YOU WILL SUCCEED WHERE NO ONE ELSE HAS.”
Schultz was alarmed. “Why have they failed?”
“BECAUSE I REMAKE MYSELF AT THE MOMENT OF DEATH.”
Schultz thought about that for several seconds. Killing it doesn’t kill it? Reduce the world to near-blindness like himself only able to see evil? Even winning the fight would be losing! How cruel it would be– “I am on a quest to vanquish you, but I pass this fight on to another.” A strange sound emerged from the Remaker. Schultz walked out and grabbed the net. Herr D pulled him up and lowered Glancelot.
Sir Glancelot, Knight Who Sees Nudity, on reaching the bottom of the hole, saw a short tunnel leading straight at a glowing orb.
It spoke in a bone-deep voice. “I AM THE REMAKER. YOU HAVE COME TO CHALLENGE ME?”
“Yes, I have.”
“I AM TIRED OF LIFE. THE MOMENT YOU BEGIN FIGHTING ME I WILL REMAKE THE WORLD AS YOU SEE IT.”
“Why?”
“IT IS MY NATURE. I HAVE HOPE THAT YOU WILL SUCCEED WHERE NO ONE ELSE HAS.”
Glancelot was confused, so to buy some time, he said, “I cannot see clothes. Do you wear any?”
“NO. CLOTHES ARE FOR SPECIES THAT HIDE OR DENY THEIR TRUE NATURE. SPECIES THAT LIE OR TRY TO LIVE IN PLACES THEY SHOULD NOT LIVE.”
Glancelot suddenly had more to think about. So he tried to stall again. “Why do you fight underground?”
During the ensuing lecture about how dead things belong to the dirt, since that is what they make, etc., Glancelot did some serious thinking. A world without clothes! Nudity all the time might be a great blessing. Of course armor would have to be rethought. He’d have to remove his own armor before fighting. Without clothes underneath he probably wouldn’t be able to fight well. He was just about to remove his helmet when he realized how many people would die in the coming winter. He couldn’t let that happen. Quite surprising himself, he said, “I must pass this fight on to another.”
[Aboveground, Herr D sighed with relief. This was the one that might’ve gone wrong.]
A strange sound emerged from the Remaker. Glancelot walked out and grabbed the net. Herr D pulled him up and lowered Emnoonbrashone. Sir Em, as his friends called him, saw a short tunnel leading straight at a glowing orb.
It spoke in a bone-deep voice. “I AM THE REMAKER. YOU HAVE COME TO CHALLENGE ME?”
“Yes.”
“I AM TIRED OF LIFE. THE MOMENT YOU BEGIN FIGHTING ME I WILL REMAKE THE WORLD AS YOU SEE IT.”
“WHAT?”
“IT IS MY NATURE. I HAVE HOPE THAT YOU WILL SUCCEED WHERE NO ONE ELSE HAS.”
Sir Em’s eyes grew big and round with the thought of causing all people in the world to be dead. He choked. He started tearing up and quivering with fear at what he had almost done. “I must,” he breathed deeply, “I must–“
“YES?”
“I must pass this fight on to another.”
A strange sound emerged from the Remaker. Sir Em whirled around and grabbed the net. Herr D pulled him up.
Sir Schultz had his arms crossed. “You still glow with mischief, champion or not. I suppose you’re going to go down there and fight it now.”
“I am,” said Herr D.
“You’re sure we can’t go with you?” asked Sir Glancelot.
“You cannot. You must wait here and lift me out if I return.” Herr D grabbed the net and Sir Schultz lowered him down. As if to prove a point, Herr D pointed something up at them and a sort of portcullis closed behind him.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/The%20Very%20Crosse%20Knight/AcmeDoorCloser.jpg
As he turned, he said: “There is no need for you to introduce yourself as I have had my ear to the ground up there many times now.” He leaned his Staff Of Being Underrated against the wall of the tunnel. “In fact, your last three opponents are the ones I promised you. They have fantastic fighting skills and much greater honor than mine. Do you remember I shouted that down here to you?” He drew four surewecans from his pouch, waiting.
The Remaker spoke sharply. “I REMEMBER YOU PROMISED ME COURAGEOUS FIGHTERS! NONE OF THEM EVEN TRIED! YOU SAY THEY ARE BETTER FIGHTERS THAN YOU? ALL FOUR OF YOU ARE WORTHLESS! NOTHING! FIGHT ME YOU COWARD!”
And Herr D threw the four surewecans. He picked up his staff, went back the three steps to the opening, pointed the object, watched the portcullis retract, and stayed expressionless as Sir Schultz pulled him out. “All explanations,” he said blandly, “are in the letter I have written. You will find it between two trees on the path in that direction. Please read it and deliver it to the proper authorities. I will wait for a reply.” And he walked into a meadow in the other direction and sat down.

[Herr D]

THE VERY CROSSE KNIGHT Chapter V: Knight After Knight–Continued!

The questions continued as the strangely dressed man led them to a hole in the ground with a net beside it. Most of them came from Glancelot.
“Why is your skin gray?”
“There are gray things happening?”
“Rr? Why are you dressed that way? Strange for a knight.”
“Best I could do on short notice.”
Schultz picked up the net. “Smells of crystal draconis.”
Herr D nodded. “They have a wonderfully positive outlook. I have released several from this net at this very spot. Some of them have faced the foe itself.” He grabbed the net and lowered it into the hole and pulled it up. “After facing the foe, I must help you out. You may each try to defeat it one at a time. But as I am champion, I will go last, and you will not just win or lose. I am Knight Of The Third Choice, and so you will remember that you may choose to let ANOTHER fight in your stead.”
Glancelot said, “Whose are all these tracks?”
Herr D answered, “Many have tried to defeat it and all have failed. I have released the survivors. Many of the challengers came from across the Gate Of Realms where it is not shameful to withdraw from a fight if it is hopeless.”
The three knights, despite their shock at that revelation, drew twigs for the honor of going first. Schultz won. “Remember, Sir Schultz. Under me it is honorable to pass on the fight to another. You will not remember what happened when you emerge.”
Schultz climbed down into the hole.

[Herr D]

Why thank you, Voel. Fact is you most likely do. The skills come with practice and a lot of ideas come from sleep deprivation–remember, doing drugs is for lazy people! I just checked out your thread, and it’s coming along well.

[Herr D]

I could see doubt in his eyes. He couldn’t quite believe I was in contact with The Six. But he was beginning to believe I believed it. He needed more to think about if I was going to slow him down enough. He was already about a percent slower.
“My spine is my own. The Surgeon just altered it.” he finally said.
“Pretty good cover,” I said, slowing my speech by another tenth of a percent. “No one suspects you. Not even with me rooming with you. Is he going to put it back someday? Maybe after the revolution?”
He startled. “Revolution!? We’re not starting a revolution!”
I GameFaced quiet but utter confusion. “I know YOU’RE not. Thrash and his buddies are. –But you did have Upclose help them.”
He let his surprise show. “Who is Thrash?”
“You know, the firework setter?” I GameFaced a slow, dawning doubt with confusion. “Are they not keeping you up to date? If you need—“
He brought the gun slightly closer. “The Six are dead.”
I blinked at him, cocked my head to one side. “They type pretty well for dead guys. –Or did you mean you’re not really with them anymore?” It was at that moment I gained access to Enforcer suit maintenance. The files only showed one Enforcer as disappearing the month The Six did. My nearest cleaning bot had received a maintenance arm and new software and was in the service shaft on it’s way, looking for the way between the walls. I had to time the ventilation patterns to cover the noise.
“I mean I killed them.”
I looked at him with the most doubtful expression I could call up. This was it. I had to shut off GameFace and con him without electronic assistance. All my processing time was needed for saving my life. “You mean you killed Rack and Epi? How long ago?”
“No.” He was savoring this. I raised the airflow and sped up the bot.
“You killed the unnamed one? What? What are you talking about?”
He smiled. “I killed ALL of them. And now I’ll kill you.” He sighted down the gun.
Realizing I was running short on time, I did the only thing I thought I could pull off on such short notice without assistance. I started laughing at him. “Hehhheh. YOU?” More laughing. My StayNeur processor bounced a signal from an array of unused wallscreens to the buried assembly droid, through the i.d. tags in the buried chassis, back to a secret segment of server I’d partitioned away. “Don’t you know about The Shade’s hobby?”
“The Shade’s hobby was torture. That’s how he got me to agree to being a hunchback.” His eyes were dead-cold. Yikes.
“NOT THAT hobby. THE OTHER hobby!” Time for the big bluff. “Onscreen, please. Picture of mass grave, angle 1A.”
He backed up to the bathroom door, reached in, pulled out a small mirror. As he began to look, I had green circles and captions forming. There wasn’t time for real i.d.’s. I circled ten tags and wrote ‘unknown’ five times. Then ‘Jenko,’ ‘Epi,’ ‘Your Worst Nightmare,’ ‘Rack,’ ‘The Surgeon.’ The only two I was sure of was Jenko and The Surgeon.
His eyes narrowed, “That’s not possible.” Then he startled, realizing the print was being written backwards on the screen. “The Shade was in those ten.”
I pulled up a text box and had ‘The Shade’ start typing.
Hello.
Your spine was my idea, you know. I thought you died on the table.
I love making doubles. I knew if you could be accomplished that we could hide forever.
You killed the man I had doubling myself before I knew what the others’ new faces looked like.
If you release my man, I will allow you to bargain for your life.
There is nowhere you can hide now.
–The Shade
I smiled at him bigger and shifted slightly toward the middle of the hammock. He followed me with the gun. Calculations were complete; drilling had begun. All that remained was to find out whether my calculations were actually correct.

[Herr D]

THE VERY CROSSE KNIGHT Chapter V: Knight After Knight

“Awlrigh’ awlrigh,’ I’ll go first,” said the largest knight, “My name is Sir Schultz. I have unusual sight. I have trouble seeing anything but evil. The evil things, the evil intent–the evil thoughts even. Bright ugly red like blood from a gushing nose or scalp. It hurts me to see well. But I’m a knight, so I kill evil. My motto is ‘I see NOTHING!’ My goal, you know.”
“I’ll go next,” said the knight with the blue visor, “My name is Sir Emnoonbrashone. I also have unusual sight. I don’t have trouble seeing objects, weapons, plants. But I see dead people.”
“That leaves me,” said the youngest knight. “The only thing I cannot see is clothes. My name is Sir Glancelot.”
“That must be incredibly distracting at times,” said the champion.
“It IS!” said Sir Glancelot,”There’s this one particular woman with–“
“Are you speaking of unrequited love?” snapped the champion.
“Rrr–yes.”
“Well, don’t. I don’t want to be depressed. Let’s be off on our quest.”

[Herr D]

THE VERY CROSSE KNIGHT Chapter IV: Enclave, Conclave

The three Nabooian knights returned to their side of the bridge, stunned. A moment later, a man, very strangely dressed for a knight, emerged from behind the curtain, crossed to their side, and led them wordlessly back to the strange shield in the woods.
the youngest knight ran across the bridge for a peek at what lay there. He came back in the middle of the following explanation.
The knight with the blue visor had asked the man ‘didn’t he mean conclave instead of enclave.’ The man said:
“Technically I mean both. Since I have proven by trial by combat that I am champion of your quest, we are now a group representing my country as well. I do not belong here except for this business, and so we are in an enclave conclave. Any questions?”
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/The%20Very%20Crosse%20Knight/YeOldeSuperSoaker1.jpg
“Yes. What is a super soaker?” asked the youngest knight.
“It is a sort of catapult that fires only water. As you can see, I had no other weapons with me. Not even my shield.” With that, the man stood by his shield, drew from behind it a pouch of metal objects and a staff.
The largest knight returned his claymoor to his back and pointed to a note scratched in the dirt. “What is a ‘buck-and-a-quarter,’ and who is ‘DD?’
The man frowned. “The note is something called a loan declaration. A buck is a monetary unit and part of the value of this staff. ‘DD’ is who loaned it to me.” He attached the pouch to his side. “Further, it is not so much a staff as it is a symbol of being underrated. This pouch contains the truest weapons I carry.”
The knight with the blue visor asked, “What are they?”
The man smiled. “They are Surewecans. I will be able to attack all things that think little of us.”
“Who are you and why isn’t your cross one color?” asked the youngest knight.
“I am Sir Herr D, Knight of the Third Choice, The Very Crosse Knight. My cross is more than one color because I serve good in all forms, regardless of distinctions between them. Countries, churches, people, things that are not really people–if they are on the side of good, they are on my side.”
“What does your shield mean?” asked the knight with the blue visor.
“By hammer, blade, and brush, with word, note, and act–I create. It is a sort of motto. Why don’t you all introduce yourselves to me?”
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/The%20Very%20Crosse%20Knight/TheVeryCrosseKnight.jpg

[Herr D]

THE VERY CROSSE KNIGHT Chapter III: The Protocol

The three knights huddled for a moment, considering these strange events. The largest of them spoke first.
“How say you that you are the champion of our quest?” He called out. “I see mischief afoot. Let us insist on protocols.” He said quietly to the others.
“I am prepared to prove it, since you have passed the test.”
“Test?!” The three knights were astounded, speaking almost as one, “What test?”
“You have found my shield, and reached this bridge unharmed. Only knights could do such a thing. As you are three knights, and not traveling with a strongbox or even provisions, you must be on a quest! You are so lucky today, it’s inconceivable.”
“How so?” called the youngest. “I cannot see him at all!” he said quietly to the others, “Just some armor around a shadow! Is he perhaps a malevolent spirit?”
“I am here waiting to champion a quest–and here you have found me!” called back the figure in shadow.
Quietly, the knight with the blue visor said, “He is very much alive.” Then he called out. “You may have tested US good sir, but we have yet to test YOU. To be the champion of this quest, you would have to be deemed so by our liege.”
“Nabooian law,” the figure in shadow called back, “Does wisely allow for exceptions.”
“Ridiculous!” called back the largest knight, “You would have to defeat each of us in combat! And with us dead, you would be champion of NO ONE!”
“Ah HA! But if I could beat NOT EACH of you, but ALL of you at once, WITHOUT killing you, then I would be champion of your quest.”
The youngest knight blurted out, “Now THAT would be inconceivable.”
The knight with the blue visor smacked the back of the youngest knight’s helmet. “He conceived it.” Then he bellowed out, “ARE YOU CHALLENGING THREE KNIGHTS TO A FIGHT?”
“If but ONE of you,” the figure said, “reaches this side of the bridge without being wetted by water of this stream, then I yield to thee! But as I will cause you ALL to be wetted and yet unharmed before you can reach me, I CHALLENGE YOU ALL AT ONCE!”
The largest knight said, “We’re not idiots, you know. You can’t be cutting down this bridge as we run across it.”
“I AM PLEASED AT YOUR LACK OF IDIOCY, BUT I WOULD NOT HARM THIS BRIDGE–I NEED TO CROSS IT TO FETCH MY SHIELD.”
The largest knight said, “He speaks the truth.”
“I SHOULD ALSO INFORM YOU THAT IF YOU DO NOT ACCEPT MY TRIAL BY COMBAT, I WILL NOT GUIDE YOU TO THE FEARSOME FEROCIOUS FOE YOU SEEK. AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE TO FIND HIM.”
The largest knight blinked and said, “He speaks the truth. CHARGE!” Lifting his claymoor above his head, he led the charge to cross the bridge. –All three of them had wet faces by their fifth step. They all stopped, stunned. How had this happened? The figure had not seemed to move.
“GOTCHA.” said the figure in shadow. “Return to the other side and I will join you for an enclave of the utmost importance.”

[Herr D]

THE VERY CROSSE KNIGHT Chapter II: The Champion

The three knights journeyed past the talking, moving section of forest, past the moaning, swaying section of forest, and past most of the stoic, still section of forest. Suddenly they heard a ‘thunk.’
There were no thunking beasts in the country at that time, and so they searched for the source of said ‘thunk’ for half an hour. Just as they agreed to give up, they heard what sounded like a loud irritated sigh, a clanking sound, a lot of rustling, and another ‘thunk.’
Now a lot of creatures sigh and rustle, but none were known among the three knights to clank or thunk–so they began searching yet again. They searched for an hour. Just as they agreed to give up, they heard what sounded like a loud irritated sigh, a clanking sound, a lot of rustling, and another ‘thunk.’
Truly this was a strange occurrence. They began searching again, to hear a peculiar, tinny voice shrill out “WRONG WAY!” It sounded like it had been screamed through a shield. They turned about to search in the other direction, and quickly found a strange shield.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/The%20Very%20Crosse%20Knight/JustShield.jpg
Being knights of an illustrious order, they did not touch the shield, but made note of scratches in the dirt and other signs which led to a bridge over a stream. At the end of the bridge, wreathed in a mist rising from the stream and smoke from a nearby campfire and partially concealed by a curtain hanging from an archway, was the shadowy figure of a man.
“Halloo!” cried the shadowy figure, “Pay ALL your attention to the man behind the curtain! I am the champion of your quest, the captain of your fate, and the master of your destiny!”
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/The%20Very%20Crosse%20Knight/MetAtTheBridge.jpg

[Herr D]

THE VERY CROSSE KNIGHT Chapter I: The Quest [bass voice, narrator inflections]

King Regent Ninny Naboo was informed one day at court that the Crystal Draconis had ceased playing and were hiding in the Humble Achy Wood. He called for a Royal Forester to inquire and was promptly told that the Humble Achy Trees believed that the former frolicing fell off for fear of a ferocious foe. It did, of course, take the Royal Forester six attempts just to say that.
Ninny Naboo’d never known any news nearly so funny. Presumably his difficulties relating the information to the royal family stemmed from his amusement. His father the King pointed out Ninny’s royal responsibilities in the matter, and quite spoiled the merriment in general for the purposes of furthering Ninny’s royal education.
Ninny therefore selected three of his unusually-sighted knights to go upon a quest. A quest to find the ferocious foe and deal with it properly. Obviously he could not send knights with normal vision, as no one had actually SEEN anything unusual at all. Thus, the three knights Ninny named went willingly westward, severally searching such fearsome ferocious foes. The Royal Crier, expecting the worst, thought to read that particular proclamation very slowly.

[Herr D]

And now I shall begin to address the challenge I have been given directly.

THE TALE OF THE VERY CROSSE KNIGHT Intro. [singsong voice, please]

Deep in the Humble, Achy Wood
where crystal Draconis play, http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/The%20Very%20Crosse%20Knight/HumbleAchyWood.png
You’ll find such strange stories
As this one
From the court of Ninny Naboo.
Ninny Naboo, Ninny Naboo–
He’s the king regent at EIGHT years old.
He’s Ninny Naboo, Ninny Naboo.
Passed laws against catching a cooooold!
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/The%20Very%20Crosse%20Knight/NinnyNaboo.jpg

[Herr D]

The Show Must Go Off–part twenty-four
\FORMATMAINT \MARKBEGIN \LOCPREP
MCL-BeltMiner#C485640624

When I had ‘loaned’ Thrash the assembler droid, I’d added a sort of ‘shunt’ to it’s software, enabling it to go unidentified as a separate machine even while carrying on separate functions. So when I’d sent out for Thrash’s batter, I’d looked for a task being executed by an assembler droid with no machine i.d. Being in a panic, I’d not coded very tightly. So I’d found another assembly droid without an i.d. I was in enough of a state, what with a gun pointed at my face, that I almost postponed processing the data. That decision saved my life.
The assembler droid I hadn’t known about was running on it’s last few hours of battery. Those batteries sometimes hold a charge for ten years or more. I was bouncing the signal to try to triangulate it’s position when it completed reporting the nature of it’s failure.
WITHIN CAM RANGE OF GOAL. DID NOT REACH CACHE. LAST ARMATURE CEASED FUNCTION. POWER CONSERVATION MODE 3 HOURS AND 17 MINUTES REMAINING.
Cache?! Maybe it was something valuable? I could dig it out with another droid and buy my life with it? I sent it the simple command: CAM SEND and almost instantly realized what was up. It was an image in greenscale, obviously a night-vision filter, partially blocked by a mangled aluminum spar. Probably the same spar that had broken the bot. The image was of a mangled obsolete jumpership chassis full of freeze-dried human bodies. One of them had a spine bent almost double.
GameFace kept me looking like I wasn’t surprised or preoccupied. I glanced at the wall ‘casually.’ “Was it an Enforcer I knew?”
Jenko–who obviously wasn’t really Jenko–said “He ‘disappeared’ when we did.” AH. Confirmation. I nodded. Sometimes the best way to save a badly failing bluff is to act like you still believe it. “Are you going to tell me who YOU really are? I hadn’t planned on actually meeting any of you.” Here he snorted. “I thought you didn’t want to.” He blinked hard and too fast for me to move.
“What?”
I was scanning the image for clues of identity. “I don’t really know all I could about The Six. You obviously aren’t The Surgeon. Did he replace your ENTIRE spine? Impressive. No one else has ever done that!” And I smiled at him past the gun in my face. All I needed was about another minute.

[Herr D]

agreed. This is by far your best opening yet.

[Herr D]

kicking yourself in the face? I’m going to have to suggest stomping on your own feet instead. It doesn’t require amazing flexibility, balance, or grace, but it does mean you can’t give yourself amnesia–forgetting your work. And if you do it hard enough, you might break an instep and have more computer time!

[Herr D]

My, you’ve gotten prolific. Your pipe-lighter shot is great.

[Herr D]

Thank you, Weilyn. Curious to know your favorite.

Beware of the hobbyist, people. One being’s fun can be another person’s massacre. Look out for Grampa Jack and his kin.

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/HerrD-GrampaJack3.jpg

That’s the improved version that might not make it into the J-O-L contest. Here’s the earlier one for all those of you who like to see process stages.

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/HerrD-GrampaJack1-1.jpg

Who knows the following quote? “Happy Halloween ladies! Luhluhluhluhluh. Luhluhluhluh.”

[Author]

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