Herr D's CFLs

[Herr D]

Why thank you, Voel. Fact is you most likely do. The skills come with practice and a lot of ideas come from sleep deprivation–remember, doing drugs is for lazy people! I just checked out your thread, and it’s coming along well.

[Herr D]

THE VERY CROSSE KNIGHT Chapter V: Knight After Knight–Continued!

The questions continued as the strangely dressed man led them to a hole in the ground with a net beside it. Most of them came from Glancelot.
“Why is your skin gray?”
“There are gray things happening?”
“Rr? Why are you dressed that way? Strange for a knight.”
“Best I could do on short notice.”
Schultz picked up the net. “Smells of crystal draconis.”
Herr D nodded. “They have a wonderfully positive outlook. I have released several from this net at this very spot. Some of them have faced the foe itself.” He grabbed the net and lowered it into the hole and pulled it up. “After facing the foe, I must help you out. You may each try to defeat it one at a time. But as I am champion, I will go last, and you will not just win or lose. I am Knight Of The Third Choice, and so you will remember that you may choose to let ANOTHER fight in your stead.”
Glancelot said, “Whose are all these tracks?”
Herr D answered, “Many have tried to defeat it and all have failed. I have released the survivors. Many of the challengers came from across the Gate Of Realms where it is not shameful to withdraw from a fight if it is hopeless.”
The three knights, despite their shock at that revelation, drew twigs for the honor of going first. Schultz won. “Remember, Sir Schultz. Under me it is honorable to pass on the fight to another. You will not remember what happened when you emerge.”
Schultz climbed down into the hole.

[Herr D]

THE VERY CROSSE KNIGHT Chapter VI: The Foe

Sir Schultz, Knight of the Power to See Evil, on reaching the bottom of the hole, saw a short tunnel leading straight at a glowing orb.
“This is why I couldn’t see it!” said Schultz, “It was underground.” It was so painful to look at. It strobed between evil and good.
And then it spoke in a bone-deep voice. “I AM THE REMAKER. YOU HAVE COME TO CHALLENGE ME?”
“I have.”
“I AM TIRED OF LIFE. THE MOMENT YOU BEGIN FIGHTING ME I WILL REMAKE THE WORLD AS YOU SEE IT.”
“What?”
“IT IS MY NATURE. I HAVE HOPE THAT YOU WILL SUCCEED WHERE NO ONE ELSE HAS.”
Schultz was alarmed. “Why have they failed?”
“BECAUSE I REMAKE MYSELF AT THE MOMENT OF DEATH.”
Schultz thought about that for several seconds. Killing it doesn’t kill it? Reduce the world to near-blindness like himself only able to see evil? Even winning the fight would be losing! How cruel it would be– “I am on a quest to vanquish you, but I pass this fight on to another.” A strange sound emerged from the Remaker. Schultz walked out and grabbed the net. Herr D pulled him up and lowered Glancelot.
Sir Glancelot, Knight Who Sees Nudity, on reaching the bottom of the hole, saw a short tunnel leading straight at a glowing orb.
It spoke in a bone-deep voice. “I AM THE REMAKER. YOU HAVE COME TO CHALLENGE ME?”
“Yes, I have.”
“I AM TIRED OF LIFE. THE MOMENT YOU BEGIN FIGHTING ME I WILL REMAKE THE WORLD AS YOU SEE IT.”
“Why?”
“IT IS MY NATURE. I HAVE HOPE THAT YOU WILL SUCCEED WHERE NO ONE ELSE HAS.”
Glancelot was confused, so to buy some time, he said, “I cannot see clothes. Do you wear any?”
“NO. CLOTHES ARE FOR SPECIES THAT HIDE OR DENY THEIR TRUE NATURE. SPECIES THAT LIE OR TRY TO LIVE IN PLACES THEY SHOULD NOT LIVE.”
Glancelot suddenly had more to think about. So he tried to stall again. “Why do you fight underground?”
During the ensuing lecture about how dead things belong to the dirt, since that is what they make, etc., Glancelot did some serious thinking. A world without clothes! Nudity all the time might be a great blessing. Of course armor would have to be rethought. He’d have to remove his own armor before fighting. Without clothes underneath he probably wouldn’t be able to fight well. He was just about to remove his helmet when he realized how many people would die in the coming winter. He couldn’t let that happen. Quite surprising himself, he said, “I must pass this fight on to another.”
[Aboveground, Herr D sighed with relief. This was the one that might’ve gone wrong.]
A strange sound emerged from the Remaker. Glancelot walked out and grabbed the net. Herr D pulled him up and lowered Emnoonbrashone. Sir Em, as his friends called him, saw a short tunnel leading straight at a glowing orb.
It spoke in a bone-deep voice. “I AM THE REMAKER. YOU HAVE COME TO CHALLENGE ME?”
“Yes.”
“I AM TIRED OF LIFE. THE MOMENT YOU BEGIN FIGHTING ME I WILL REMAKE THE WORLD AS YOU SEE IT.”
“WHAT?”
“IT IS MY NATURE. I HAVE HOPE THAT YOU WILL SUCCEED WHERE NO ONE ELSE HAS.”
Sir Em’s eyes grew big and round with the thought of causing all people in the world to be dead. He choked. He started tearing up and quivering with fear at what he had almost done. “I must,” he breathed deeply, “I must–“
“YES?”
“I must pass this fight on to another.”
A strange sound emerged from the Remaker. Sir Em whirled around and grabbed the net. Herr D pulled him up.
Sir Schultz had his arms crossed. “You still glow with mischief, champion or not. I suppose you’re going to go down there and fight it now.”
“I am,” said Herr D.
“You’re sure we can’t go with you?” asked Sir Glancelot.
“You cannot. You must wait here and lift me out if I return.” Herr D grabbed the net and Sir Schultz lowered him down. As if to prove a point, Herr D pointed something up at them and a sort of portcullis closed behind him.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/The%20Very%20Crosse%20Knight/AcmeDoorCloser.jpg
As he turned, he said: “There is no need for you to introduce yourself as I have had my ear to the ground up there many times now.” He leaned his Staff Of Being Underrated against the wall of the tunnel. “In fact, your last three opponents are the ones I promised you. They have fantastic fighting skills and much greater honor than mine. Do you remember I shouted that down here to you?” He drew four surewecans from his pouch, waiting.
The Remaker spoke sharply. “I REMEMBER YOU PROMISED ME COURAGEOUS FIGHTERS! NONE OF THEM EVEN TRIED! YOU SAY THEY ARE BETTER FIGHTERS THAN YOU? ALL FOUR OF YOU ARE WORTHLESS! NOTHING! FIGHT ME YOU COWARD!”
And Herr D threw the four surewecans. He picked up his staff, went back the three steps to the opening, pointed the object, watched the portcullis retract, and stayed expressionless as Sir Schultz pulled him out. “All explanations,” he said blandly, “are in the letter I have written. You will find it between two trees on the path in that direction. Please read it and deliver it to the proper authorities. I will wait for a reply.” And he walked into a meadow in the other direction and sat down.

[Herr D]

THE VERY CROSSE KNIGHT Chapter VII: The Explanations

The three knights, baffled by all this, looked at each other and walked in the direction Herr D had pointed. In short order, they found the letter. It read:

TO WHOMSOEVERETH IT MAY CONCERN:

I, Sir Herr D, The Very Crosse Knight, Knight of the Third Choice, must admit to certain deceptions. This may be considered a full confession. First, the Remaker, as it called itself, I pursued here by luck entirely. It has caused many people grief, including myself, and so I was partially motivated by revenge. Second, I failed to protect your world and most of the challengers that came against it before you. They have caused your entire world to be radically altered several times while I made my preparations, usually in a negative way. I rigged up the Acme Portcullis Closer, but it took much time. (You may consider it and the underground dueling place a gift to your world.) Third, I knowingly and deliberately captured multiple Crystal Draconis and scared them into the Remaker’s tunnel, knowing most of them would likely die, for the purposes of altering your world back in a positive direction. It DID work. I do not regret my decision. Only the cost. Fourth, I did not ACTUALLY slay the Remaker. Surewecans merely reduce the power of their target to the level of their opinion of their attacker. It was already intangible and, in it’s own way, immortal, so I reduced it’s power by deceiving it into thinking that you all were cowards. It should never be able to alter anything on it’s own or even act on it’s own again. Fifth, I am not a knight at all, and from your perspective, perhaps not even a man. Glancelot and Schultz could hardly see me at all as I am beyond their experience. Emnoonbrashone saw my gloves and mask and so properly realized I am alive. Please donate the belongings I have left behind to the poor. As by your law I am facing multiple death sentences, I am leaving immediately through the Gate of Realms. (Sixth, I lied when I said I would wait.) Even if stripping slows me down, none of you will be able to catch me for the reason I could attack the Remaker harmlessly at all.
I see the world just as it is and so no one can easily see me as I am.
Nice knowing you,
Herr D

P.S. If Hastings comes by, tell him I luckily did not need to call him. —And under
no circumstances try to ride him or depend on him. He’s not actually tamable, just
an associate who sometimes comes when I call him.

The three knights ran as fast as they could. Halfway there Schultz swears to this day he heard the Gate of Realms open and a voice say “THANKTH! I WUTH–HEYYY!” but of course no one knows what that means. The Gate of Realms opened again, and just before Glancelot came within view of it, Herr D was gone. A mask fell to the ground. Everything else he had worn or been carrying except the surewecans he’d used and the mysterious staff he’d borrowed were collected to one side.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/The%20Very%20Crosse%20Knight/Escaping.jpg
“I KNEW there was mischief about!” Schultz said,”I suppose I’d never seen mischief for a good cause before. . .”
They collected Herr D’s things. After a quick discussion they decided to skirt the royal forest and so found a most peculiar creature. It looked VERY powerful and dangerous, but Schultz said it was not inherently evil and walked up to it.
“Are you Hastings?” Here the creature nodded. “Herr D said he was lucky he didn’t have to call on you?” The creature nodded, twitched it’s massive nose, and disappeared. And so the three knights returned home to the Nabooian castle.

THE END

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/The%20Very%20Crosse%20Knight/Hastings.jpg
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Author’s Note: Hastings is a tangible manifestation of the power of humor. He is named for an occurrence mentioned in old Ripley’s Believe It Or Not literature. Supposedly at ‘the battle of Hastings’ sometime in the 1100’s, two entire advancing lines of men fell back without striking a blow after seeing a frightened rabbit run between them. If a rabbit could save hundreds of men from death or terrible injury, it makes me wonder whether a camel could’ve stopped WWII . . . ah, well. Hope you enjoyed it.

[Herr D]

That was a bit more involved than enjoyable from my end.
Back to more fun stuff.
Just under the highest point of the sandy ceiling, around the biggest phosphorescing kelp grove, the students of Craggy U enjoy the sport of bubble herding. They may not qualify as pros, but they are not amateurs. Some of them have set records the pros can’t beat. Why, before a bubble cluster can drop two tentacle-lengths, they have many times herded it without poppage more than eighteen standard lengths!
–And their fight song and their mascot are the most popular in the sport!
Out in the Marianas where the giant squid grow lean,
The bubble-herding champs of Craggy U–MAKE THOSE GREAT WHITES LOOK TAME!
OUR TRENCH DOGGIE! LOST SPECIES BARELY SOGGY! BADA BADA BAHHHHH!
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/HerrD-TrenchDoggieMascotForBubbleHerdingChamps.jpg
They’ve been criticized for daredevil tactics, following the bubbles too long, but they just say their opponents can’t take the lack of pressure!

[Herr D]

Circus life! Under the big top-whoa-ohh . . . (Journey)
I’d forgotten about this pic in my focus to finish the VCK.
Most performance artists in the movement media can do a fair job of the mirror gag.
These twin clowns, Tia and Crumpets, can have an audience in stitches for over fifteen minutes with their version of it.

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/HerrD-TiaAndCrumpets.jpg

. . . This is part of their opening. Without the prop swap too many people didn’t know there was no mirror and so didn’t think it was interesting. Acts can be done too well.

[Herr D]

While we were in the Hairbrush Nebula, Veb, our xenobiologist on the Explorer LXVIIII, took a holiday and went spelunking. He found some local fauna not smart enough to avoid humans. He said it resembled a piece of equipment from his History of Industry class’ construction unit. Something ancient humans referred to as a ‘Cat.’ He also said that in that cyanotic atmosphere, all the local fauna had blue fur and green eyes.

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/HerrD-TheCyanCat.jpg

Veb needs to be more careful. The thing weighed nearly six and a half metric tons. I knew we should’ve waited for a ninth-grader. Field trips can be dangerous!

[Weilyn]

I don’t know what kicks more arse; your creations or your prose

[Herr D]

Thank you! You should’ve seen my ice sculptures when I was in my prime!
This piece will also appear in Snail-Male’s pad; It’s a Dali Tribute.

“The Shapes Of The Persistence Of The Galateanization Or Idealization Of The Memory Of Lost Loves”

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/HerrD-DaliTribute.jpg

[Herr D]

Well, with a deliberately surrealist work in my thread now and a lot of cross-talk ‘twixt threads about madness, it’s time to show my entry for the vehicle pop quiz.

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/HerrD-TheSSFaewatch.jpg

Zeph, as his buds call him, is captain of the SS Faewatch. His achievement name was earned in 1981 when he gusted off a man’s hairpiece in Virginia Beach and made it dance across a parking lot like a clumsy squirrel doing an accidental shoulder roll. Formally speaking to him when on his ship, you must say “Captain Zephyrym-Gusts-Toupee.” This pic must have him scheming somewhere off the starboard side. If you need a spontaneous madness cure or to go mad in such a way that going mad will sanify you, book passage by promising him a weather scheme to cause mischief that will make him laugh or cry.

You’d better not break a promise to him.

This one is his ship at anchor. That probably means it’s an involved scheme. The iris lantern means he may need some ship’s power to pull it off or find his way back.

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/SSFaewatchAtAnchor.jpg

[Herr D]

Oh, and a public service message on the general subject of induced madness. I showed this concept to someone on their way to a bar. He hadn’t started drinking yet. He said it looked good and would try it if he saw it . . . Um . . . so — watch the drinking on the holidays. We all want to keep seeing your work.

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/DjinnAndMiskaTonicAd.jpg

–and all those of you who believe in fates worse than death, be even more careful?

I thought of making a bumper sticker in the past — “Think and THRIVE” but I’ve been assured that it would never sell.
*

[Herr D]

This was my entry for dblade’s Neurotica (great name.) If anyone looks mad and, well, mad–it’s probably her.

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/HerrD-Neurotica.jpg

[Herr D]

I really don’t like most guns very much, but the Mauser A1 Air Rifle with the canister-loading alternate ammo system and modified stock can actually contain and regulate small amounts of anesthetic that wear off on impact. Perfect for our situation depicted here, where our model Scaryface is responding to aggressive introductions to the Pachydermi family formerly of Palermo.

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/MauserA1AirRifle.jpg

Sunglasses by The Retro Feline located on Goodfeline Ave next to Codfisher’s Pizza in Altuna, Cattyfornia.

Oh! And the B-E-10 Collector by Mauser, Inc. is pretty impressive, too. Shown below right doing a search through the grass for more — it has compatible canisters! Sold by Tom’s Entertainment Center located on Sketchpad Avenue just down the way!
*

[Herr D]

Someone made a wish that “things were different,” and was instantly transported to an alternate timeline.
That person is now somewhere where things are different.
The first thing seen from the cell:

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/hm3/SlaveLicenseIssue.jpg

About the best news he has here is that bureaucracy really is “the only constant in the universe.” Hopefully this little licensing issue will be resolved shortly.
*

[The Atomic Punk]

Love it! Great use of the dinosaur’s static poses to tell a story. The passionate advocate slamming his fist on the table and the indifferent bureaucrat typing his notes. Very original!

[Author]

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