Herr D's CFLs

[WMDBASSPLAYER]

Love your originality and sense of humor! Please keep it coming. Uh oh, did I open the door for one of your witty retorts? LOL!

[Herr D]

[looks down suddenly from lab table bolted to wall near ceiling, calls out through slightly open door.]
. . . Um–more. WORKING ON IT! THANK YOU!
[pats monstrosity in shadow as it growls] Him–I mean, working on him, sorry. I’ll just get you some darker scales, okay? Right after I lock the lab door again–you deserve your PRIVACY before your first rampage.

[soft sucker sounds on wall, then the lab door clicks shut–]

[Herr D]

Please let me know if you find the original of this; I promised someone I’d try, but I can’t seem to find it to give them credit. This is an approximation of a clipping of uncertain age.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/BrainJoke_zpsbf5f46f0.png
*
*******
“The inventor’s guild’s exclusive nightclub has three requirements before it will consider you for membership.”
“Those being?”
“First, you must invent a means, without any climbing, to board the nightclub.”
“BOARD?!”
“Second, you must prove that it requires no more than one assistant to operate.”
“Begging your pardon sir–did you say–“
“Third, you must bring an ineligible guest with you on your first visit and safely depart with them.”
“Safely. Errrr-yes, quite. . . “
“Any other questions? The Top Hat Brass should be arriving here soon.”
” . . . “
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/HerrD-TheTopHatBrass_zpsa4591852.png
*Steampunk
********
She SAID one side was longer than the other . . .
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/JustAnEnthusiasticTrim_zpsca7cb964.png
Too many people are ready to assume the worst when you’re chasing a pretty woman with a sharp implement. It really was going to be “Just An Enthusiastic Trim.”
—honestly.
*OPMC
*
********
We’ll call this one a ‘cooperative’ piece–AHEM!
“She didn’t have a hero name till today. We knew she had the dexterity to twirl a lasso and the aim to rope something. We even knew she had super-strength. We DIDN’T know she gets confused between her right and left–“
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/ThrownForALoop_zpsd0788744.png
“. . . She threw him for a loop.”
“How did she confuse him?”
“No, doc, she THREW HIM FOR A LOOP. That’s why he has a minor concussion.”

“–OH-HHHH . . . “
“So we call her ‘Hurly’ now.”
*

[Herr D]

Some propaganda from the War Department, only about seventy years late–lost in the mail:

A certain high-ranking official died because of a lack of proper air support. His dying wish was that he could prevent the same thing happening to other American soldiers. At the precise moment of his death, an eagle egg appeared in his usual seat in the chapel of the army base he was temporarily stationed. Much to the amazement of the chaplain, it hatched and grew instantly to adult size. It had a peculiar star on its chest and required no food or water. Its squawking alerted the sentries to a saboteur the very next night, saving perhaps two hundred lives. It fights the Nazis at every turn–American Eagle!

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/HerrD-AE1_zpsbecbffc1.png
*GAc
*

[Stulte]

Hah! Awesome!

[Herr D]

@Stulte said:

Hah! Awesome!

Thanx.
*******
The Commercial Art Science Team, Ltd., began charging a nominal fee for improving ads very subtly. Instead of merely airbrushing the models and cut-pasting the best features available from every model, they began quantifying to the hair how pictures sold the most product by high-speed camera measuring retinal response.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/HerrD-CommercialArtScienceTeam_zpsb96af706.png

The following excerpt is reprinted by permission from Hairy Deewon

---

The fact is that women in ads should NEVER look average, be of average build, have any particular flaw that can’t be taken out. Besides that, they should be too thin to survive supporting their mammary glands without being crushed under their own weight and just in general be too idealized to count as human anyway. This IS the digital age. I’m not being sexist, I’m being capitalist.

Remember retinal involvement.

Right! The human retina will sooner notice and focus longer on certain shapes and colors. Those do include the shapes of human genitalia and other favorites, but that’s not all. Taller, thinner shapes, faster moving shapes, shapes moving more directly toward or away–so, on a runway, a taller, thinner model will draw the human eye more successfully. This is exactly the same sort of science that helped the insurance industry realize that small red cars used to get more speeding tickets.

By the almighty dollar, if I’m paying someone too much money to get people to come and buy my stuff, they better not use a big blue car and waste my money!

---

We all want OUR pictures looked at longer.
*
********
There’s this woman named Iris. Getting into and out of her enemies’ stronghold is never a problem. The problem is staying anywhere in particular!

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/HerrD-Iris_zpsfb6505dc.png
*silver
*******
On a recent trip to the zoo, my young were tired and inexplicably went straight to the fence between the main thoroughfare and the biggest restaurant. My littlest started holding the fence and playing “lean back, jerk, let go, grab” while my oldest started staring down at the diners, fascinatedly for no apparent reason. Three tables full of diners looked up at her, as if to say “What are YOU looking at?”
I nudged my littlest and said, “It’s feeding time here at the HUMAN enclosure. Do you remember what they look like from last time?”
My littlest shook her head and said, “No, Daddy.”
I nodded as gravely as I could. “Well, you ARE new at this.”
One guy laughed. He wasn’t at the tables. He was far enough I hadn’t thought he could hear me.
Oh, well. (7/21/14)
*******
Some classes I wish I’d taken: “Common Lies Used In Marketing,” “Social Prerequisites For Dating,” “Why People Pretend Those Stupid Moves Count As Dancing.”
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/OddLecture_zpsbd011b7f.png
I made this for Hairy’s blog at HairyDeewonIsNotAnAlien .blogspot.com minors ask permission from your folks, please. He uses a lot of my artwork.

[Herr D]

Mortimer planned on being a great adventurer.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/HerrD-TrapProblem_zpsc1016042.png
He should have planned out a few more details . . .

*Artist’s note: This one took a while. My new job, my story in the Writer’s Room, doing snap-work for Hairy, the regular contests, and adjusting to the kids’ summer routines all slowed me down quite a bit. It’s been underway since the day after the lost temple opening on page 21.
*******
A bit of snap work done for Hairy. Titled ‘Quandary.’
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/HerrD-Quandary_zps6b5ad618.png
*
*******
Dee is this great masseuse who has a table not far from my home. Myself and several other people stop by randomly when we can. She has the lightest touch, and can massage a surprising amount of sore muscles at one time. Her hair’s always a mess, and her cigarette breaks are long enough that not everyone likes her. I stopped by one day recently to discover she had both arms in ace bandages. I didn’t expect her to be on the job at all. –You know, I couldn’t even tell a difference?
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/HerrD-HairDee_zps0ec84cff.png
What a trooper!
*******
I was at work the other day when I thought of this. Bending the wrist this way to have the protrusions come out of the radius and ulna should be much more realistic for the long spikes with slight curve. Another advantage would be that the fingers could still be used.
Anyone care to improve on it?
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/2PtXray_zpsca378b18.png
*******
More snap-work. “Glimpse.” I can’t figure out why I haven’t been asked to do this pic before now. It’s of Hairy’s ‘doorknob’ head . . .
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/Glimpse_zps28ff25b2.png
Any girl can turn it.
*
*******
8/7/14 Top view of fish made for Hairy.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/fish_zps4434c5cd.png
Hairy tiled them to duplicate schooling. Interesting touch.

*

[Herr D]

Robin Williams, thank you for fighting off the cold, gray fingers for as long as you did. Hairy assured me that right about the right time, “a filament within the Swift-Tuttle phenomenon glowed with a kindly and absurd reverse Doppler Shift” which I tried to depict below. I don’t know what that means, really, but I imagine Robin Williams would be proud at the thought that he caused the universe to fart in color as he left. I can just picture him again blurting out: “Oi! Does it feel good to get out of there!” in a brief reprise of ‘Genie.’

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/RWSendOff_zps52e2bf77.png
You will be sorely missed, man.
*
Thank you to Hairy for coming back and airing it quickly. I still don’t know what that ‘photonic counterintuitive’ part of the absurd reverse Doppler Shift really means or how the ambience looked kindly, but I did need to hear something like that at the time. Thank you to RobM for the work on the starfield. It made a fantastic base tilted just 4 degrees.

[JR19759]

Wow, that picture is beautiful.

[Herr D]

Thanx, man. If you think it’s appropriate, I certainly wouldn’t mind sharing it on the blog if no one else is eulogizing. RobM’s starfield from the custom backgrounds is great.

[JR19759]

I don’t know. I mean, I don’t remember the last person that was eulogised on the blog, with the exception of Weilyn, who was a member of the community. I wasn’t planning anything, I don’t know about Kaldath or Jeff.

[Herr D]

“Yeah, I don’t want any trouble. –No, seriously, Ralph paid me a hundred a day to stand here and act like a spy. He has hidden cameras all over this block. It’s an art film; got the vintage trench coat secondhand down the street. –I have no idea! He paid cash.”
<span class=”bbcode_spoiler”>http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2014hm/HerrD-Decoy_zps375c1a19.png</span&gt;

*card–not sure where?

[Myro]

I like it. Especially the coin flipping effect.

[Herr D]

@Myro said:

I like it. Especially the coin flipping effect.

Thank you. It was fun, in spite of me having been ‘used’ in a similar fashion in the past.

? You know what surprised me the most, recently? Of all the things people commented on, no one commented on my more logical take on a Wolverine-style possibility. I must be worse at predicting people than I thought.

[Jeimuzu]

@Myro said:

I like it. Especially the coin flipping effect.

agreed! That coin flipping effect and the smoke effect are perfection.

[Author]

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