Herr D's CFLs

[Jeimuzu]

Love the Industrial Ballet, very clever. I’ll invest in it.

[Herr D]

I’ll be happy to handle your investments! The Industrial Ballet takes checks, cash, precious metals, and gems–no investment too large! Sign here?

[Herr D]

CLASSIFIED ADS by Herr D, illustrations by Herr D, Linea, and Keric

Bob walked into the house. “Frieda!”
“Yes?”
“That cat that moved into the garage is one of those escaped genetic experiments on the news.”
“How do you know?”

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2013hm/LineasCatModified_zpsfc436426.png

“–I’ll get back to that. The news says we can’t kill it. The corporation that made it is bankrupted–they can’t pay us for it or any damages. I just don’t know what to do!”
“Craig’s List.”
“What?”
“Sell it on Craig’s List.”
“No one would buy–“
“Don’t be a pessimist, Bob. Just describe how it’s unusual so whoever won’t try to return it.”
(WITH GREAT PROBLEMS COME GREAT SOLUTIONS)

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2013hm/NewPowerStation_zpscfd9a015.png

*1RST PIC MODIFIED FROM LINEA’S GIFT TO ME IN SANTASWAP2, AND IMPORTANT FEATURE IN 2ND PIC WAS KERIC’S GIFT IN SANTASWAP2. Happy holidays, everyone!

[Herr D]

That new store opened at the mall? Blundered around first. They sold these little tack hammers labeled “slipper breakers” and old style poison rings and wrought iron cauldrons, can you imagine? Then the owner got rid of all that junk, put what looks like maybe a wireless flat-screen t.v. on display and started selling the weirdest clothes you’ve ever seen, pretending he was stuck inside a mirror the whole time. Stupid, right?
Wrong. Every morning as they open he has this runway show where these beautiful models no one recognizes parade around his store wearing his most bizarre stuff. Guys come to look and women actually buy some of it.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2013hm/MirrorInc_zps894b2649.png
Yeah, it’s a racket. I’ve been trying to meet him, but the owner of Mirror Inc. apparently never visits the store–he must have that custom oval flatscreen teched up to go real-time and transmits from somewhere else? No one’s ever met him–of course, we can’t seem to find records of him or any of his models, either . . .

*OPMC

[Herr D]

Holidays bring special family times, special events, special . . .
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2013hm/KidsChristmasQuestion_zpsea1a216d.png
uh . . . incidents . . .

[Herr D]

Hey! I thought I’d make a snow globe . . .

http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2013hm/HerrD-SnowGlobe_zps709b0304.png

I guess it turned out okay.

*snowjoke contest

[Herr D]

The “Switchblade,” a stealth, camo-colored vehicle suitable for espionage. Controlled descent into rockslides, swamps, sand dunes, etc. Faster than a parachute with the radar sig of about five geese. Single passenger and up to thirty pounds of gear.

[Herr D]

A man walked into an office with 3 photographs in his hand. Based on those three photographs, a multinational conglomerate opened a twenty-hothouse operation to supply a small pharmaceutical shell company with ingredients for a brand new, untried, holistic herbal remedy. How could something like that make sense?
Picture number 1
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2013hm/TarzanSwingingP1_zps8ac2a657.png
Picture number 2
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2013hm/TarzanHurryingDownstream_zps682f8574.png
Picture number 3
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2013hm/TarzanWhackingALionP3_zps354f6455.png
So . . .
Headline: GREYSTOKE FOUNDATION CLAIMS TO HAVE DISCOVERED TROPICAL REMEDY FOR REPETITIVE MOTION INJURIES Pollen mix to remain proprietary secret.

(Pose was Trekkie’s gift to me in SantaSwap2. My heart {we’ll say just one} sang, as all I needed was to color it and add an eye.)

[Herr D]

Mike took the experimental serum. It changed his inner ear so that he couldn’t get dizzy. It gave him a high resistance to blunt trauma and slightly greater agility and speed. All the inventor knew was that it would modify the way his nervous system and skin used calcium–the inventor hadn’t predicted the plusses to Mike’s inner ear. Mike stitched Kevlar plates into a costume he made out of cloth he stole from an old backdrop. Then he inserted flexible ceramic blades in the tips and practiced some elementary gymnastics, mostly cartwheels.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2013hm/BlueStar_zpsbc95f148.png
*cc to FRM in SantaSwap2. I don’t make many heroes, so here’s hoping he likes it.

[Herr D]

I’ve been told everyone’s first day at a new job is rough. Learning ANY new boss means mistakes.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2013hm/FirstDayWithSanta_zps57b2cc3f.png
Merry Christmas, everyone; here’s hopin’ I have that rough day soon.

[Jeimuzu]

Love the elf! Great job on the elf hat.

[Herr D]

Hey! My wife ‘Sunni D’ has the answer to whether deaf schizophrenics hear voices in their heads. They see signs. Just thought you’d all like to know.

@ Jeimuzu: Thank you. Velveteen is hard to get looking right!

[Herr D]

*Ktc(late)

On the premise that this young female is an alien and gave up on human clothes in disgust, the obvious reasons come to mind. For starters, it makes much more sense to put one leg and one arm through and button the other side. Combining necessary tech with hair fasteners is a lot better, too. Last, but not least, heels are a bad idea.
http://i1067.photobucket.com/albums/u438/jamais5/2013hm/redress_zpsaf05035b.png
Yah, human clothes suck.

[Jeimuzu]

I love it, you make some good points about human clothes.

[Herr D]

Well, thank you Jeimuzu. I occasionally do have reason to use my al–my unusual perspective in daily life, too. Someone once asked me if I knew if there were any kinds of grass that didn’t require mowing for a property they were having built.
“No,” I said, “But it doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t plant grass here. It’s hilly.”
“What difference does that make?” he said.
“You have to do special things to make grass grow on steep hills so the erosion doesn’t take your seed away–and do you play croquet?”
He looked at me funny. “N-no?”
“Golf?”
“Uh, well, not here . . . “
“Then why WOULD you plant grass? There are dozens of things like periwinkle, mountain laurel, whatever that don’t spread like kudzu. They flower, they’re better at erosion control, they’re just BETTER. Any garden shop can sell you enough to cover a thirty-by-ten-foot strip with other stuff, and you might never have to do maintenance of ANY kind on it EVER AGAIN.”
He gave me a funny look and nodded slowly. “So pay up front and never touch it again?”

. . . Okay, so he used kudzu and the neighbors blamed me when it spread to them, but he ALMOST followed my advice. I’m improving!

[Author]

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