Hey, Kaylin 
Liking the writerly piece you’ve started here, hope to read more of it. I would just like to draw your attention to the following:
“”I think -” Whatever Dan had been about to say was interrupted by a deafening high-pitched note that seemed to come from every direction at once.”
When you see it happen in your imagination, as it would in a movie, it’s a very dynamic scene. It’s a startling scene, i.e. quick and surprising, as shown by your use of the dash to suggest, well, the sudden interruption of the character’s speech. But when the narrator takes over to *tell* what’s happening, the tempo introduced by the dash is lost to the leisurely pace of the narratorial takeover, so to speak. For a better sense of what i’m saying, compare it with the following rewrite suggestion:
“I think — ” and a buzz blared in from everywhere.
To sum up:
1) *Show, don’t tell* (= let the characters live out their stories via action and dialogue, don’t have the narrator butt in to caption things for the reader. Unless of course you really want to make a (post-post-modern) point that particular way).
2) When it comes to adjectives and adverbs, *less is more* (or, as Einstein put it, “make things as simple as possible but no simpler”: when you’ve figured that one out, the Pulitzer should be halfway yours 
)
( 3) for some reason, people these days no longer appreciate alliteration -___- )
Excelsior!
