Reply To: Herr D's CFLs

[Herr D]

Born in Miami, Florida to a poor family, he was headed to a poor high school, with only a job as an amateur exterminator. No one suspected that he was actually BREEDING and then torturing the mice infesting the local warehouses. Suddenly, he began to win contest after bee after science fair after placement test. Some people get zits, he got smarts. His first week of high school, he figured out that a junior was bedding a principal for good grades. No one is quite sure what he sprayed on the principal’s car, but the fire department couldn’t put it out for long enough that they gave up and had it compacted into a cube and buried it in a sand pit.

He came forward and said why. “Statutory rape is a crime,” he said, “and no one believed me.” The principal went to jail, the junior was removed from the school, and he? He plead his case to the judge, explaining that he would like to serve his country, and juvenile delinquents couldn’t make much of a difference. He was bussed to Hollywood Hills Military Academy. No one imagined that he had timed his case to fall into the docket of the only judge in his jurisdiction to ever order military school as part of a juvenile sentence. No one realized that HHMA was the only shot he had of working with drones in high school. No one thought that it was all part of a greater plan.

He enlisted the day after graduation. He tested out of basic training to become a lieutenant in the Army. He shipped out while most cadets his age were still IN basic training. All the way to the Middle East, and no one in particular noticed the hacker that shuffled some five thousand applicants until he was sent to that ONE location straight out.

The last shipment to leave that section of Iraq with a cargo of C4 was delayed by onboard computer issues in the cargo planes twice. Purdue himself fixed them just before the base went dark. According to his report, he only survived by a series of coincidences and clever maneuvering. He testified that insurgents killed the other one hundred and twenty-two personnel on the base with a combination of weapons that included poison gas and explosives. They captured him with damaged dog tags. The ‘LT’ on his dog tags was so damaged that they believed it read ‘COL’ and began torturing him for information. They cut off his left toes, then his foot, then his lower leg and then his little finger and ring finger from his left hand. He said he escaped by using a combination of poison, explosives, and other weapons. No one questioned the C4 being missing, along with three million dollars’ worth of drone equipment, at least at first. No one contested his medical discharge. No one thought for a moment that he might have self-amputated. When his last physical was complete, he was released stateside, benefits pending final investigation. Five out of seven of the investigators are MIA. No one has reported finding remains of the insurgent stronghold he described. The case has been shelved, until such time as the region is considered stable enough to continue it.

When his parents and sister died while he was being shipped home, the local police looked into it. Something had blown up in their basement with an obscured chemical signature. He returned home executor and sole heir. No one had seen a drone start the fire in the paint-and-cleaner-filled basement. He started a small business. Extermination again. As the local homeless population resumed it’s remarkable tendency to drop, some people he knew eventually connected him with people closer to his level of evil. He now works with the big boys.
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