Category Archives: Super-Hero Stuff

Memo to all super-powered individuals contemplating logos:

Painting a target over your heart makes you -- wait for it -- a target! And while Frank Miller's Dark Knight can get away with claiming the heavy Kevlar vest he wears is the reason for his bright yellow insignia (draw fire to the most protected area), you and I both know most modern super-heroes couldn't hide a sheet of paper beneath the skin-tight spandex of their costumes, much less body armor.

Looking specifically at Geo-Force's costume here, I have to worry particularly about the red line pointing down from the target insignia, as if to say "Hey, if my heart isn't a tempting enough target for your super ray beams of death, take a look at this fantastic alternative!"

First we had Whoopi Goldberg showing up as one of the cosmic powers, and now apparently Scarlett Johansson's lips have been turned into an android:

This is actually the Mad Thinker's "Awesome Android", but surely only the sultry Ms. Johanson's pouty mouth has the power to inspire someone to create a super-villain whose entire head is nothing but lips. I'm tempted to say this evil-doer "sucks", but that would be beneath me. I would, however, pay cash money to have him say "Kiss off!" as he pummels his enemy to smithereens.

(Image and character ©1985, Marvel Comics Group, "The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe", Volume 2, Number 7.)

Somehow I missed it, but in the mid-80's DC cleverly slipped a Gay Pride March into the background of one of their "Who's Who" books, and I think it's great:

I've grayed out the background characters so you can focus in on the brave warriors leading the charge for a comics-wide acceptance of their sexuality. From the very proud "Rainbow Raider" (need I say more about that name?), to the see-through red silk sleeves and striped stockings of "Red Bee", to the flowery jester-like cowl and low-slung floppy boots of "The Ray", and finally to the man-on-man flight of love of "Reactron" and "Reverse Flash", these fabulous men in spandex are finally willing to let it all hang out. It's long past time gay supers had the freedom to come out of the secret closet and fly proud. I salute you, one and all!

The only question I have regards what's going on down in the lower left. That's "Queen" from "The Royal Flush Gang" there in the front position. At first I assumed the character behind her (clearly getting into amorous position) was another female hero, to carry on the gay pride them by including lesbian members. But actually that's "Quicksilver", a male character. Apparently he got the memo that this was a Gay Pride event, and tried to dress like a girl in hopes of getting some time with "The Queen". I give him points for ingenuity, but he's got no chance, as clearly she's staring lustily at "Queen Bee" (not shown) on the other side of the cover. After all, no queen worth her salt would waste time with a commoner, especially considering he's straight and has a reputation for being "extremely speedy", if you know what I mean.

Professional pride prevents me from commenting on the fact that the artist's last name is "Colon". But come on, that's awesome.

(Characters and images ©1986, DC Comics, Inc.)

I suppose if you're going to name your super-hero self after a cheap and fruity wine beverage, you ought not to be surprised if your costume also looks cheap and fruity, as if you've just staggered out of "your" alleyway after a long drunken night of homelessness:

Perhaps Marvel intended this character as a "What If Batman Became a Wino" sort of thing, but I can't imagine Bruce Wayne sporting a nifty pencil-thin mustache like that no matter how debased he became. Or maybe this is actually Bruce and Selina "Catwoman" Kyle's love-child, I don't know.

Whatever the case may be, you'd have to be pretty hopped up on MD 20/20 to combine black thigh-boots with a plunging, chest-hair-exposing collar like that. The creepy demon face logo and angry manicured nails complete the image of the angry wino looking to get back a little of what's his. Or at least another bottle of cheap hooch, whichever's easiest.

(Mad-dog character and image ©1985, Marvel Comics Group, "The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe"™, Vol. 2, No. 7.)

Here's how you rip off a popular character owned by a rival comics company, Image style. First, make part of his costume unmistakably derivative:

Look closely, it's pretty hard to spot! Not.

Then, make sure the derivative costume element is used to stab someone through the chest:

Finally, make sure your art direction and panel layouts are so bad that even the people involved can't tell what's going on:

As you can see, Hawk-ripoff-guy says "How's your gut", when clearly Brigade (the stabee) had the not-Batman helmet shoved through his rib cage and chest. But hey, at least the gut and the heart are both in the torso, which in Image anatomy is close enough.

(Characters and images ©1993, Rob Liefeld.)

Galactus showing up to eat your planet is scary enough, but here's one of his relatives -- Numinus, another universal guiding spirit of that level in the Marvel Universe -- who's even worse:

Can anyone tell me why an ultra-powerful being with the power cosmic decided to host a daytime talk show? I don't know, but I don't like it, and apparently neither does Galactus:

You'd think he'd just be happy it was Whoopi Goldberg instead of Rosie O'Donnell popping up in N-Space to interview him, but apparently not so much.

(Edited on January 19 to say explicitly that Numiunus looks like Whoopi Goldberg.)

When you're building a super-hero costume, it's very tempting to include bits and pieces just because they look cool, and not because they make any sense. Take, for instance, this outfit for Doctor Polaris from "Green Lantern #59":

If your secret identity is as a carpet installer, you probably shouldn't incorporate your knee protectors into your costume. I'm just sayin'.

I also have to say a word about Green Lantern's pseudo-metallic gloves. What kind of metal is hard and shiny while still being able to stretch to accommodate the bending of a wrist? It's been a while since my college geology course, but I'm pretty sure metal isn't what you would call "stretchy". I used to think maybe GL's gloves (and mask and boots) were just poorly rendered, and weren't actually metal. But no, in this issue he deflects a quarrel with one, resulting in a "splang".

Yes, I know, it's super-hero stuff, it doesn't have to make sense. But every single time I see that particular GL uniform, I get brought up short, my brain wondering how in the heck those gloves actually work, and why that metal band connects the forearm piece with the hand piece. And where his nose goes under that mask. And why you would have all that metal protecting the front of your face instead of the back of your head where all of the, you know, valuable squishy bits of brain are. But then again, this particular GL was a comic book artist, so maybe he thought his eyes were more vital than his brains?

Then again, given the high-kneed design of GL's boots, maybe he and Doctor Polaris are going to give up the super-powered game and open a carpet-laying business together, secure in the knowledge that at least they won't have to deal with any OSHA violations for lack of protective knee-wear.

(Characters and images ©1995, DC Comics, Inc.)