Category Archives: Super-Hero Stuff

If this is Keith Giffen's adorable, zany Ambush Bug:

Then is this Ambush Bug on drugs?

Maybe Ambush Bug after not getting a good night's sleep? Too much Ambien?

Close.

Actually that's "Bedbug", a throwaway villain from the Topps version of "Jack Kirby's Silver Star". He's bursting through the wall there with "Slammazon", Gasbag, and a couple of other equally insane characters. And yes, it's ever bit as awesome as it sounds. Sometimes it's not a knockoff, it's an archetype. And as I learned from Joseph Campbell, archetypes is cool.

From the pages of "Jack Kirby's Secret City" comes the ferocious General Ordiz and his ... tape recorder?

Seriously, his shtick is that has a tape recorder strapped to his chest with a long wired microphone thingie in his hand. At least I sure hope that's a microphone, because the other thing it looks like, well, it's not really appropriate for a family-oriented blog. It would, however, be very scary to see one wielded by your opponent.

I don't have any issues of the saga wherein General Ordiz takes any sort of direct action, but I'll bet his trademark Witty Repartee is something like "Any last words?" right before he beats the snot out of his enemy with his club/microphone/deviant toy.

(Image ©1993, Jack Kirby.)

This may be the greatest bad super of all time. Or the baddest great super, I can't decide.

How can you not love a giant, inflatable guy named "Gasbag" whose power is to belch out various noxious clouds, accompanied by an explosive FRAAAPPP? I mean, we're all either working alongside or related to someone exactly like this; let's just be thankful the real life versions don't actually wear spandex, or they wouldn't be the only ones hurling at supersonic velocities.

I wouldn't call this a "bad super costume" necessarily (although I do wonder why her boots are different sizes and how in the name of all that's spandex her breasts don't come flying out of those metal plate cups), but I am posting it here because I love her name so much.

Slammazon. It just rolls off the tongue, dripping with promise of strong-woman, face-punching, metal-armed awesomeosity. No outfit could measure up to a name that great, so I give Kirby a pass on this one -- she looks good, but according to the laws of physics (or meteorology, I can never remember which) it's literally impossible to design a uniform as glorious as that moniker.

The gigantic pink "SHBOOM" accompanying her entrance is spot-on, though, the only way it could be better is if instead of "SHBOOM" it said (in the same font and color) "SLAMMAZON!". Because a name that good deserves to be both a character and a sound effect.

In 1982, Daryl Hall and John Oates (the Ren and Stimpy of the early 80's pop music scene) recorded a classic song called "Maneater". In 1993, Jack Kirby turned that fabled duo's musical masterpiece into visual form:

Let's mediate for a moment on that epic song's lyrics and reflect on how perfectly this character's non-outfit embodies it:

She'll only come out at night
The lean and hungry type
...
The woman is wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a jaguar
...
Oh here she comes
Watch out boy she'll chew you up
Oh here she comes
Shes a maneater
...
I wouldn't if I were you
I know what she can do
Shes deadly man, and she could really rip your world apart
...
Oh here she comes
Watch out boy she'll chew you up
Oh here she comes
Shes a maneater

I cannot imagine a more apt depiction of a "Maneater" than a woman with fang-tipped skulls at breasts and groin. And just look at the seductive evil of her disco-dancing pose; clearly this lady is one wicked customer.

Or maybe she's just misled. Maybe she ordered some edible panties, not realizing that in fact the panties eat you. At least you can be sure that's the last time she buys from "Vlad's of Hollywood".

(Image and character ©1993, Jack Kirby. Song lyrics ©1982 Hall & Oates.)

Whoever said you couldn't mix roller skates, ninjas, and disco was an America-hating fool, that's what I say, for behold the jaw-dropping awesomeness that is ... Skate Man!

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In an effort to prove that bad fashion is indeed timeless, in 1996 DC saw fit to introduce yet another incarnation of The Flash (apparently a hundred and eleven super speedsters is just not enough) -- scientist John Fox from the year 2645:

His logo and those weird yellow triangles that replaced the wings from the original Flash's outfit are actually holographic projections that hover a couple of inches off his skin. I hate them. But not as much as I hate the weird jaggedy red vein/lightning bolts running through the blue and black parts of the uniform. It looks like he's either full of lava, or this close to bleeding out. I also hate his chin strap. I'm not a big fan of those in general, and this one just makes his long, lugubrious face look even more horse-like.

Most of all, though, I hate his huge, bulky, "speed-metal" gauntlets. The beauty of the original Flash costume was its simplicity, with the bold red making the yellow lightning bolt elements really leap out at you. Blue and black don't convey an impression of speed, and with the red cutting crooked lines through the whole thing, it all looks broken up and clunky. The bulbous gauntlets just make it worse.

Overall, this outfit doesn't make me think "oooo, speedy!", it makes me think "oooo, cheap knock-off from the future!" He's even smooching Wally West's girlfriend in this image, as if it's not enough to steal the poor guy's name, powers, costume logo, city, and MO! I wouldn't be surprised to find out he's also licked Wally's mouse, worn his underwear, and sat in his sports car while passing gas just to make the thievery complete.

(Image and character ©1996 DC Comics, "The Flash", #116.)