Category Archives: Super-Hero Stuff

When I was a kid, while riding my bike I would occasionally rise up out of the seat, and shout "Engage fart boosters!" while taking off at a high rate of speed.

Immature, vulgar, and smelly, yes, I admit to all of those faults with my little scheme. However, little did I know that I was actually channeling the spirit of one of Marvel's greatest villains, Modok!

I might not have his massive brain, his chest-sized face, or his vast financial resources, but by all that's holy at least I had his fart boosters! I would have ruled the world, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids and their stupid dog, holding me down and forbidding me to quote "gas up" their neighborhood any more, end quote.

I'm the last person in the world to complain about an artist using reference photos for their comic book layouts, because I do it all the time. But women in comics are treated poorly enough without having your entire reference file consist of images from "Playboy", as appears to have happened in the pages of Doctor Strange (issues 10-14):

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I am pretty sure I saw something like this in a Bugs Bunny / Daffy Duck cartoon:

Apparently, though, this guy is "Chondu the Mystic", whose origin seems as mashed-up as his body. He's "The Mystic" because he dabbled in the arcane, but science transplanted his brain into one of the Defenders. Later of course (of course!) magic once again stepped in to re-transplant his brain into the body of a fawn (Dr. Strange is a right cold bastard sometimes), and it was only later that his former friends re-re-transplanted his brain into the current monster form. Whether that last was through science or magic is unclear, which is saying something given the insanity that has already been described.

In the high-falutin' world of art criticism (and stop me if this language gets too technical for you), this character design is what we would call "Bad". Generally you want to keep it simple, pick a theme and stick with it, but sometimes when you're on deadline and you're riding the Heroin Horse, you get a result like this.

More likely, someone created a "Comic Book Affirmative Action Committee" and they were given the task of putting together a character who could stand for the traditionally underrepresented parts of the animal kingdom. Thus:

• Equines: Unicorn horn, check.
• Reptiles: Snake tongue, check.
• Bowels of Hell: Demon wings, check.
• Avians: Eagle legs, check.
• Sea Life: Lamprey arms, multiple, check check check check check check check check. (Seriously, lampreys for arms?!)

I'm fairly disappointed that they kept humans as the Mammalian representative here; surely the powerful Bacterial Lobby could have done more to make their case.

(Image and character © Marvel Comics.)

I love Walt Simonson, but he was smoking some serious rock when he came up with Kurse:

Moving from top to bottom, what the heck is a magnet doing sticking up out of his head? I thought maybe they were curved horns, but does anyone -- even an Asgardian god-type bad guy -- need three sets of horns jutting out of his noggin?

Maybe, if he's constantly getting picked on by the other gods for wearing a veil.

I mean honestly, what self-respecting immortal embodiment of bad-assery tricks himself out in bridal wear? I keep thinking I should look for something old, something new, and something borrowed, but if he thinks those pale blue skull-eyes on his abs count as something blue, he's one misguided cross-dresser.

Moving on, I never want to make a bad guy feel he shouldn't wear skulls. Bonery has a long and honored tradition in the super villain world, and goodness knows I honor our great fashion forefathers like the Red Skull. But Kurse, baby, don't you think two skulls are a little much? Especially when one of them is apparently from a reindeer?

Sort of the whole point of wearing the bones of your fallen foes is to strike fear in the hearts of your other enemies, to brag of your battle prowess. But who exactly is supposed to be impressed that you killed an antelope?

And don't get me started on why the second set of skull appears to be munching on his groin. I don't even want to know. Maybe he and Prince Chaos go to the same designer? There must be something about having super powers that makes you want to have a tiny little man staring out from your crotch.

I've never been a big fan of characters having random bits jutting out of their outfits as we see on Kurse's legs here. I think Walt Simonson is one of the all-time greats, but the only guy who could routinely pull off this sort of fluff was Jack Kirby. Here, it just looks like he raided an Amish warehouse of stocks.

Kurse is supposed to be awesomely powerful, going toe-to-toe with the likes of Thor (and the Power Puff Pack kids!), so I understand the impulse to include all kinds of scary bits on his outfit, but it all just comes off as too much. Sometimes less is more.

Try to guess what I hate the most about this Batman costume redesign from the pages of "Chain Gang War":

Notice anything missing? How about the most recognizable super-hero logo on the planet. Imagine an iPod with no little apple on it, or a Nike sneaker without the swoosh. What's the point of investing all that time and energy into making your brand instantly recognizable, only to leave it off the product? I know the temptation to tweak legendary characters is powerful, but this effort really blows it.

Besides the lack of a logo, the entire assemblage betrays the essence of Batman. He's supposed to be about speed, agility, stealth, and lethal force delivered with precision, but this costume comes off as bulky and ponderous. From the rigid, hook-tipped wings with long flowing streamers, to the massive gloves and metal fingers (metal freaking fingers?!), this outfit looks like the worst parts of an Iron Man and Spawn love-child. There's very little "Batman" in it, which may be why he's reduced to standing on a giant Bat logo to remind himself of who the heck he's supposed to be.

And just why the heck is Bruce Wayne getting all dressed up to watch TV anyway? You'd think he'd be comfortable enough to take off his mask and kick up his feet in the Batcave, but apparently not. I bet he goes through a lot of remotes, too, as those metallic fingers punch right through the plastic buttons. I also wonder if he required the leg pouches to offset his utility belt's lack of a cinch, buckle, or any other method for actually hooking together. At least he was able to get it in the extra-thick 'Image' size.

I could go on and on about the yellow banded armor under the thick cape front, or the strange blank yellow hole on the chest piece, or the silly fringe on the boots, or the bizarre energy blasters on the gauntlet, or the lack of a mouth-hole in the mask, or the tiny "Catman" style ears, but suffice it to say, I hate this redesign.