Category Archives: Super-Hero Stuff

The third rule of creating a super-powered character (only slightly less important than "Don't tug on Superman's cape" and "Never start a land war in Asia") is, "Never put anything in their name that sounds like 'rectum'."

Which brings us to She-Hulk villain "Captain Rectitude":

If you're going to violate that third rule anyway, however, at least don't put him in giant purple thigh-boots that should never be seen anywhere outside of a pirate deck. And you certainly shouldn't put a big double-testicle-shaped heart logo on his chest that fires pearly white beams of anti-smut rage. And you definitely, definitely shouldn't make his abilities based on re-channeling his every sexual impulse into Puritanical anti-porn powers.

Yes, that's right, "Captain Rectitude", with the name that starts out with the same root as "rectum", is entirely powered by repressed sexual energy.

Somewhere, Freud is rolling over in his grave and smiling.

(Image and character from "She -Hulk", Vol. 2, No. 21, ©1990, Marvel Entertainment Group.)

I try not to be judgmental, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that "crapping fire" is not a bona-fide super power:

At least the flaming feces are in handy pellet form, useful (presumably) for flinging at enemies. Although given the way Spidey is cringing in horror, I doubt that's going to be happening any time soon.

If you were working for a major comic book company in the eighties and nineties, you were faced with a horrible dilemma -- no matter how many guns you gave your character, at some point there was a risk (however slight) they might get disarmed in some way. And let's face it, in those days a super-hero unable to shoot someone in the face was barely a super-hero at all.

Then, in a fit of pure genius that I am sure got someone promoted, Marvel came up with a brilliant plan: Put the gun inside the character! Thus was born "Bushwacker":

Yes, that pinkish-tan stuff is his skin and yes that is a bionic gun implanted in place of his arm. No, I am not making this up. In point of fact, not only is this an actual published character, but I submit to you that Bushwacker is the ultimate expression of the Image Principle, which I totally invented and which states:

No concept is too ridiculous if it increases the character's ability to shoot people.

Disturbingly, my first reaction on seeing this image was not "That's really stupid", but rather "How does he get the ammo in that thing, and where does it come out of". Which says a lot about how inured to bad super hero characters I've become. Of course I'm not the only one, as Wikipedia reveals others not only had the same question but came up with an answer:

He manages to load the weapons by swallowing ammo, such as bullets or flamethrower fuel.

I ask you, is that not one of the all-time great sentences in human literature?

Sadly, Wikipedia is silent on the subject of how the spent casings exit his body, although I suspect he spends a fortune on new toilets. In any event, I refuse to speculate on that subject because that kind of potty humor is beneath a blogger of my ethics and intellectual stature. (Seriously, if he farts is there a risk of a driveby? I'm just asking!)

No, what I want to focus on is why in the hell is there a shoulder stock on the gun that's built into his freaking forearm?! He ain't holding it up to his freaking shoulder if it's built into his freaking arm!!1!!1! I also love the way he's staring at the gun arm lovingly, as if it is the Greatest Thing Ever. Which, come on, it totally is.

Bushwacker, I salute you and the brain-dead, violence-humping perfection you embody. Well played, Marvel, well played indeed.