Category Archives: Super-Hero Stuff

I'm not sure what exact number it is, but somewhere on the "Big List of How To Make a Bad Super Costume" is "Make the whole thing pink and purple." For any questions regarding this vital tip, I point you to either Hawkeye or Dr. Strange's brother, the vampire:

Now, in his defense, this guy was being mind-controlled by an immortal voodoo queen at the time. But still, even mind-controlled voodoo vampires have pride, or ought to. Besides the ghastliness of the color scheme, you have to wonder why a vampire -- who, let's not forget, can actually turn into a real bat! -- would need to dress up as a bat when in human form. Because if he wanted to look like a bat, wouldn't he just, you know, turn into a frigging bat?! The giant fake ears, the giant fake wing/cape, it's all unnecessary. It makes you wonder if, in his bat form, he wears a tiny little tuxedo and Count Dracula cape. "Look at me!" he would squeak, "I'm a human!"

Maybe the outfit is supposed to stun his victims, who would be torn between horror at the creeping undead about to consume them and convulsive laughter at the pink and purple big-eared Mardi Gras costume it was wearing.

As I mentioned in the Mashup credits, here’s a free tip for any of you comics industry bigwigs out there. If your project requires a scripter and a plotter, two pencillers, and three inkers, it’s going to suck. Witness “Trinity”, an unholy multi-space-going-comic-characters crossover featuring L.E.G.I.O.N., the Green Lantern Corps, and the Darkstars, with all of the cringe-inducing anticipation of crap you, the savvy reader, would expect.

What really caught my attention about this Space-Borne Spectacle of Suck, however, was the beer-belly-baring badness of Tzodar the Destroyer:

Here you can see just how large Tzodar's gut is by virtue of the unnamed hero getting unfortunately sucked into his belly button. Luckily, when you're a god you get to have the best fashion designers in the universe put together your outfits, which is why his armor has a convenient cut-out so his love handles can flop around in all their glory while he's busy destroying creation. "Oh no," I can hear you saying, "that's just an armor plate, not his stomach!" To which I can only reply, why do you hate America?

But that's not all this paragon of fashion has brought to the table my friends, oh no! Why stop at a Madonna-inspired midriff-baring ensemble when you can add a long, flowing pony tail and ridiculous cloud/stopwatch/what the hell is that?! logo to the mix!

Because nothing says "I'm a butch macho god" like a long greasy pony-tail and your ginormous bloated stomach hanging out of your shirt. At least that's what I've been assuming in my weekly jaunts to the local grocery store which, now that I mention it, might explain the strange looks and continued police presence I find there. A police presence which, frankly, would have been better off escorting those responsible for "Trinity" and Tzodar's outfit off to jail before they could have published this comic.

(Images from “Trinity”, No. 2, ©1993 DC Comics.)

I usually try to keep my "Bad Super Costume" posts about actual humanoids, but when something is so awesomely bad that even the guy who owns it calls it a fiasco, I cannot resist. Ladies and gentlemen, I present ... the Spider-Mobile!

Besides looking silly, which, let's be honest, isn't saying much considering it's going to be driven by a guy dressed up like a blue and red spider, let's run down the many ways this idea sucks:

1. It's a dune-buggy. In Manhattan. Last time I checked, all the dunes there were paved over in, like, 1634.
2. It's a dune-buggy. In Manhattan. Last time I checked, all the roads there are already clogged with vehicles, making a car the last thing someone would use to get someplace in a hurry. Spider-Taxi, now, that has promise ...
3. It was built by Johnny Storm who, frankly, is number four on the list of Fantastic Four members you'd trust with a wrench.
4. One of Spidey's nicknames is "The Wallcrawler". You can't climb walls while you're riding in a car, and "Driver of Car That Climbs Walls" isn't nearly as punchy.

Seriously, I get that Marvel wanted to move some product in the toy stores, and they were insanely jealous of the Batmobile. But come on. Putting Spidey in a vehicle robs him of everything that makes him cool. He can't climb walls or spin webs or dodge and weave or in any other way act like a spider. Yes, the vehicle can do some of those things, but the vehicle isn't Spider-Man. Technology and doo-dads are part of Batman's persona, but not Spider-Man. Giving him a car is almost as bad an idea as taking away Superman's powers and making him lightning-based instead, although no one would be stupid enough to do something so obviously foolish! Oh, wait ...

To their credit, the writers at the time understood, I think, how silly the whole idea was. A company sponsored the build and wanted to pay Spider-Man to drive it, which he reluctantly agreed to eventually out of desperation and a desire to, you know, be able to afford pizza. It turned out poorly and he eventually dumped it in the river. Where a villain recovered it and reprogrammed it for evil.

Which couldn't have been that hard because, come on, the Spider-Mobile was pretty evil by the mere fact of its existence in the first place.