Category Archives: Bad Super Costumes

If you missed the Eighties, and wondered what fashion was like back then, I think the super-hero Maser would agree it all comes down to one word: Headbands.

If you are a man and you find yourself running around in public wearing a headband, one of the following had better be true:

• You are playing tennis Bjorn Borg or Jimmy Connors;
• You are teaching an aerobics class;
• You are a kung-fu master, hopefully appearing in your own comic book.

That's it, folks. And though my Maser mastery doesn't exactly top the charts, I'm pretty sure he doesn't qualify.

The rest of the outfit is boilerplate vintage super-hero, from the Captain America gloves and boots to the vaguely Alpha-Flight style bifurcated color leotards popular in the era. Aside from the headband, though, the two bits that really bug me are the "lazy M" logo and the underarm cape rope. As to the first, having the two logos pointing in different directions makes me think he's got one of those spinning hubcap things going on, where the letters twirl crazily as he dashes about.

Which is actually kind of awesome, if by awesome you mean horrible. What's next, curb-feelers?! No offense, Ambush Bug:

As for the underarm cape thong, can you say "chafing"? Seriously, I hope he has some serious shares in an aloe vera factory, because dude will need it. Especially since, let's be honest, he probably shaves his body all over, so he can stay smooth and shiny when he finally, mercifully, sheds that outfit. I bet he perms that hair, too.

On the other hand, down the road maybe he kept the costume but decided the "M" stood for "Metrosexual" instead, and he landed a bunch of lucrative endorsements. Which he'll need to treat the crippling case of "Burned Pit Syndrome" he's in for.

"Superman IV" may be the worst super-hero movie of all time, next to "Superman III". And "Catwoman". Also, "Daredevil" ...

OK, look, "Superman IV" is a bad movie, so quit messing with my brain, Anonymous Internet Ranking Argument Person Who Only Lives In My Head! Part of the blame for that epic fail has to rest with the villain "Nuclear Man" and his wretched costume:

I have to -- reluctantly -- give him a pass for the hair, because it was 1987 and frankly the entire follicle world was pretty messed up. I mean, mullets were on the horizon, you know? It wasn't a pretty time. So I can forgive him for looking like Mrs. Brady after a bad day at the salon. But it doesn't help.

Not that anything could help this outfit all that much. I can't decide if my favorite bit is the crotch-enhancing gold area, surrounded by black so it really pops, or the sloppy starburst and puffy "N" on his chest. Seriously, it looks like a sixth-grade tweener spray-painted this onto her favorite stretchy top after an all-nighter of binging on "Twilight" and Twinkies. The rays aren't even, the whole thing says "puffy" instead of "radiation", and you can't even tell for sure if it's supposed to be an "N" or a lazy "Z".

However, I think the winning element in this pre-Apocalyptic disaster has to be the fingernails. I grant you, fingernails aren't generally considered to be part of the costume per se, but then again you don't see a lot of male super-villains with four-inch metallic-silver jobbies either. I believe later we discover that Lex Luthor funded the creation of his Superman-beating villain through his line of Korean nail salons.

I'm also always interested in how belts are used in these costumes. I mean, in the original Superman design, they were there to hold up his big ol' circus shorts, and you could see the loops that the belt went through in order to provide the support. But here, you've clearly got a one-piece leotard (sparkly, no less!), which doesn't need a belt, because there's no separate pants element to hold up. So why is it there? Because, that's why, and don't question your mullet-headed, puffy-lettered betters, punk!

You'd think with fifty pairs of arms, at least one would be left-handed. But no:

How the hell do you even put on a costume like that?! And if you say "One leg at a time ... a hundred times in a row" I'll throw my bracelets of submission at you!

Given the recent discussion over a certain disgusting movie involving humans and centipedes, and given the sordid S&M nature of Wonder Woman's past, I can't help but feel icky and like I need a shower. But I bet the guy who came up with the movie read this comic. If so, whatever else you say about the guy, he at least had the good sense not to have a costume involving fifty pairs of footy PJs, overlapping gun holsters, and what appear to be suckers on the bottom of the feet.

On the other hand, even the Crimson Centipede, lame as he is, knows better than to leave the house in star-spangled Granny panties. So there's that.

(With thanks to "Again With the Comics".)

I appreciate anyone who's willing to go out there and act out their fantasies, truly. I just don't necessarily want to be a part of that fantasy by having to see it in real life, you know? That's why bedroom windows have blinds on them, folks.

I'm in awe of people like Amber Love, who have the incredible ability to bring our favorite super-hero costumes to life. But we can't all be Amber Love, and ... well. These folks aren't. In honor of the recently passed Halloween holiday, I give you "Super Bad Superhero Halloween Costumes". Enjoy! And by all means, if you have links to other examples, please share in the comments.

It's not "She-Man", sir ...

Look, I don't have the physique to pull this off, either. But sometimes failing to try is the best option.

George Lucas is turning over in his grave. I know, he's not dead yet, but seeing this will kill him, and then he'll turn over in his grave.

But think how easy replacement parts would be to build!

I admit, it took me a little bit to figure out this was supposed to be Iceman. I thought maybe C3PO got captured by some albino taggers or something.

But it didn't take me as long to figure out Albino C3PO as it did this Silver Surfer attempt. My first thought was "Cylon in a blender", but no.

Did you ever wonder what would happen if Wolverine got bitten by a radioactive banana? This guy did.

I applaud the efforts of super-hero costume designers to do something beyond the simple underoos-and-capes look. I really do. But sometimes, the classics are classic for a reason, and in trying to go off the beaten path you end up going off the rails instead. To wit, "Spellbinder":

Someone had this guy under a spell, all right. I imagine he went to the Super Hero Clothing Outlet and got whamboozled by the attractive and flirty sales lady. "I look dashing in this, really? Do you think it says 'Evil Magician Overlord? You do? I suppose you're right, and it really does set off my beautiful eyes, doesn't it? All right, I'll take it! And your number! Hello ... ?"

Seriously, it looks like someone happened across the scene of a tragic accident involving an eighteen wheeler full of discontinued restaurant tablecloths and a game store and thought "COSTUME!". I grant that the bizarre outfit might help him think onlookers are held in thrall, but it's just fashion horror, my friend.

People under the age of 30 think of this when they hear the name "Halo":

Those of us over the age of 30, however, are not so fortunate. This is our Halo:

I know who I'd rather have in a firefight, and it's not the one with the look that says "My kid spilled crap all over my tablecloth and all I got was this stupid costume." When your outfit's best feature is that it looks like you stole Ronald McDonald's socks, you're in trouble.

But hey, sometimes a super-hero that doesn't work on the page will really pop in real life, and ...

Oh dear. Surely there's something better in her closet that she could put on instead of ...

Clearly our best hope is that Master Chief will come along and force-dress her into combat armor. She ought to be used to it, since that outfit definitely qualifies as a walking assault on our fashion sense.

(Many thanks to ReaderKate for sending this one along!)

For this week's "Bad Super Hero Costume" edition, I thought I'd turn it over to you all to provide the critique. Our subject was suggested by Kaldath, and I think it's a great example. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Black Condor!

In the comments to this post, take your best shot at explaining why this is (or isn't!) a bad super hero costume. It's going to be hard to pass up the "jazz hands" look of this specific drawing, but that's why we're paying you the big bucks.

Have at it, intrepid fashion reporters!

P.S. It isn't relevant to the costume necessarily, but it probably bears mentioning that in this guy's original origin story, he learned how to fly because he hung out with condors. Not magic condors, or alien condors, just regular old endangered species condors. Apparently just living close enough to living beings that have an ability is enough to grant you that ability, although that fails to explain Pauly Shore.

A reboot of a popular character carries many challenges for the enterprising comics creator. You've got to retain the fundamental spirit of the person in question while still bringing something new, fresh, and interesting to your take. Having said that, this "Ghost Rider" redesign fails in pretty much every way:

This character doesn't say "ghost" or "rider". "Alien Astronaut", sure, or possibly "Extraterrestrial Baseball Catcher" but there's nothing scary or Hellish about him at all. And if that's a human skull underneath those flames, I'll eat my shorts.

Look, we get a lot of motorcyclists here in the greater Durango area, but I haven't ever -- not even once -- seen someone tootling down the road on his Harley with a bright orange flight suit on. Especially not one with a gigantic zipper in the front that doesn't even go all the way down to the bottom. You put this guy on the back of a hog in any kind of actual rally and he's going to get the snot beaten out of him, flaming alien head or not.

Also, Black Canary is going to be pissed when she finds out he "borrowed" her jacket.

Granted this is incredibly obscure, but I think it illustrates a fundamental principle of super-hero costuming that I had to bring it to your attention. One of the primary rules of designing an outfit for your character should be that your costume should have something -- anything -- to do with your name. Witness the debacle that occurs when you violate this simple rule with the Golden Age villain "The Black Knight":

Note that the costume is neither black nor knightly. At least, most knights I've seen wear metal armor instead of leather, don't sport a full-on executioner's hood (in cheery fire-engine red, no less!), and a cape. Plus, of course, they're not usually afraid of rats.

If you didn't know this guy's name, you'd never guess it from looking at him. And that's not a good thing in the iconic world of super-heroes, folks.

(In my infinite unorganizationalitudiness, I've lost the name of the alert reader who sent this in. Dan? Myro? My apologies and thanks all rolled into one for whoever it was!)

(The kind person who forwarded this on was Frevoli! Many many thanks, Frevoli!)

If you feel the need to wrap yourself up in bandages before heading into battle, the odds are good that you should not, in fact, be heading into battle at all:

Considering he had to add an eye patch, it would seem that advice was tragically too late for "Ammo". Oh well, at least if he gets shot in one of his pre-bandaged spots he can only see it with one eye. So that's nice.

(Hat tip to Myro for cluing me in to this guy.)