Category Archives: Bad Super Costumes

Whoever said you couldn't mix roller skates, ninjas, and disco was an America-hating fool, that's what I say, for behold the jaw-dropping awesomeness that is ... Skate Man!

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In an effort to prove that bad fashion is indeed timeless, in 1996 DC saw fit to introduce yet another incarnation of The Flash (apparently a hundred and eleven super speedsters is just not enough) -- scientist John Fox from the year 2645:

His logo and those weird yellow triangles that replaced the wings from the original Flash's outfit are actually holographic projections that hover a couple of inches off his skin. I hate them. But not as much as I hate the weird jaggedy red vein/lightning bolts running through the blue and black parts of the uniform. It looks like he's either full of lava, or this close to bleeding out. I also hate his chin strap. I'm not a big fan of those in general, and this one just makes his long, lugubrious face look even more horse-like.

Most of all, though, I hate his huge, bulky, "speed-metal" gauntlets. The beauty of the original Flash costume was its simplicity, with the bold red making the yellow lightning bolt elements really leap out at you. Blue and black don't convey an impression of speed, and with the red cutting crooked lines through the whole thing, it all looks broken up and clunky. The bulbous gauntlets just make it worse.

Overall, this outfit doesn't make me think "oooo, speedy!", it makes me think "oooo, cheap knock-off from the future!" He's even smooching Wally West's girlfriend in this image, as if it's not enough to steal the poor guy's name, powers, costume logo, city, and MO! I wouldn't be surprised to find out he's also licked Wally's mouse, worn his underwear, and sat in his sports car while passing gas just to make the thievery complete.

(Image and character ©1996 DC Comics, "The Flash", #116.)

To answer his question:

I will now count the ways I like -- no, make that love -- his new body:

1. Mange-ridden dreadlock ponytail flying the opposite way from his leap;
2. Off-center tattoo (?) "X" on his face;
3. Bizarre xylophone/washboard rock vest;
4. Veins on the outside of his arms, which frankly doesn't quite seem medically wise;
5. Two words: Zeppelin cape;
6. Vampire goth chick arms pasted into his armpits;
7. Gigantic, rubber-band-bound thighs atop dainty ballerina feet;
8. Ability to speak without opening lipless mouth;
9. Three-lobed right kneecap;
10. Black fishnet for one set of arms -- apparently it wasn't stretchy enough for the massive upper man-arms.

Yeah, I think that about covers it. I think I'll use that line the next time I haul my disgusting body out to the local public pool and when the woman I'm speaking to recoils in horror, I'll whip out this image and say, "Hey, it could be worse!"

(Image and characters ©1993, Marvel Comics, UK, Ltd., from "Battletide II", No. 3.)

OK, I know, he's supposed to be a Batman rip-off, but seriously:

Cat-Man? Were Flat-Man, Fat-Man, Gnat-Man, Spat-Man, Hat-Man, and Rat-Man all taken by some other comics company and thus unavailable? I suspect this guy stole a Golden Age Batman mask and dyed it orange, because those ears look awfully similar, but the logo -- well now, the logo must be 100% his own creation. The big ol' C with the smaller M in the middle (his initials, get it? get it?) are the real stroke of genius that make it clear that this guy is no ordinary knockoff! I can't wait till the issue where we go to his secret lair, "The Litterbox". Or would that be the "Cat House"? I guess not, since he's based in New York and we all know how the government there frowns on that sort of thing.

(Image and character ©1985, DC Comics, Inc., "Who's Who" volume 4.)

I'm not the first person to notice that most African-American super-powered individuals have "Black" in their name somewhere (you never see "White Superman" or "White Flash" or "Pink Green Lantern"; for some reason it's only dark-skinned people that need to have their melanin level slapped onto their super identity). But I do think I've found what is either the a) lamest b) most egregiously offensive or c) funniest example to date:

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I have uncovered the first hidden treasure in the Great Random Comic Book Pile -- behold the insane awesomeness that is ... Prince Chaos!

I'm tempted to love the mutton chops, or maybe the fur fringed, plummet-to-the-navel neckline, or even the strange hash marks all over the ruby red outfit. But I'm going to have to go with the tiny "Kilroy" type face peeking up from his crotch as my absolutely favorite bit of this ensemble. I like to think that in some future issue, this tiny man will get his own dialog, which, believe me, will rock.

The character is from issue number 13 of "E-Man", by First Comics. The original run of the series was artist Joe Staton's first big-time gig, and has a frenzied, crazy, "somebody's high" vibe that's hard to describe. For instance, the first few issues are narrated by a ghostly Albert Einstein. I am not making this up.

Staton later went on to work on Green Lantern during the years I was collecting it, and now that I have read E-Man I can see why they'd give him that assignment. GL's crazy ring-inspired creations (giant irons swatting villains, enormous glowing jackhammers digging out a mine collapse, catcher's mitts galore) are a lot like the various forms into which E-Man contorts his energy body. In just this one issue, for instance, he turns into a life-preserver with a duck head, a bouncing toaster, and a freeway overpass.

Again, I am not making this up.

In that kind of context, I suppose a mind-controlling, space-traveling, fur-clad, tiny-crotch-man-wearing lunatic actually seems pretty normal.

(Image and character © 1984, First Comics, Inc., E-Man, Volume 1, No. 13.)

I don't know what Grodd's been smoking there in Gorilla City, but he certainly doesn't look like a mind-controlling, world-dominating super-intelligent ape to me in this picture:

But whatever it is, I bet he got it off of Angar the Screamer. That's the kind of crossover I think any self-respecting love child can endorse. Peace, happiness, and evil; the sixties live again, my friends!

If I can take pride in one thing about this blog, it's my documentation of the ability of comic book creators to find inspiration in the objects lying around their drawing tables, from Ramen to calculators. And also in showing how various characters are actually based on beer. And in my math skills, because that's more than one thing, despite my opening sentence. I blame all the alcohol and Ramen on my desk.

Nonetheless, I think you'll agree that "Captain Fear":

is nothing more than the non-drunken brother of another, more famous Captain, who has been known to actually make people fearless in barrooms across this great nation:

Clones, twins, or just two guys who have the same tailor? I report, you decide!

(Captain Fear image and character ©1985, DC Comics, Inc. "Who's Who" Volume 4. Captain Morgan image and character ©2007, Captain Morgan Rum Co.)

I like a villain who starts out cold and refreshing, and finishes smooth. A villain who looks great as-is, but even better with a slice of lime. A villain you can kick back on the beach watching the sun go down with while swaying in a hammock. A villain like Dos Equis ("That's DOCTOR Double X to you, pal!"):

My favorite part of this beer-themed villain is that the actual Double X is an invisible energy being given life when the original Single X went nutso. Invisible friends? Check. Maniacal leer? Check. Insanity? Check. Yeah, this guy is definitely based on beer. Other super powers? Powerful projectile vomiting, devastatingly inappropriate remarks to nubile coeds, and the ability to crash on anyone's couch at a moment's notice.

(Character and image ©1985, DC Comics, Inc., from "Who's Who" volume VI.)

In the Marvel Universe, major companies sometimes contract with various super-powered individuals to represent them (i.e.Tony Stark and Iron Man). I think I found the guy on Hugh Heffner's payroll:

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and bet that his name will eventually be revealed as "Richard Cranium".

(Image and character ©1989, Marvel Comics, "The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, Update '89".)