Category Archives: Bad Super Costumes

Try to guess what I hate the most about this Batman costume redesign from the pages of "Chain Gang War":

Notice anything missing? How about the most recognizable super-hero logo on the planet. Imagine an iPod with no little apple on it, or a Nike sneaker without the swoosh. What's the point of investing all that time and energy into making your brand instantly recognizable, only to leave it off the product? I know the temptation to tweak legendary characters is powerful, but this effort really blows it.

Besides the lack of a logo, the entire assemblage betrays the essence of Batman. He's supposed to be about speed, agility, stealth, and lethal force delivered with precision, but this costume comes off as bulky and ponderous. From the rigid, hook-tipped wings with long flowing streamers, to the massive gloves and metal fingers (metal freaking fingers?!), this outfit looks like the worst parts of an Iron Man and Spawn love-child. There's very little "Batman" in it, which may be why he's reduced to standing on a giant Bat logo to remind himself of who the heck he's supposed to be.

And just why the heck is Bruce Wayne getting all dressed up to watch TV anyway? You'd think he'd be comfortable enough to take off his mask and kick up his feet in the Batcave, but apparently not. I bet he goes through a lot of remotes, too, as those metallic fingers punch right through the plastic buttons. I also wonder if he required the leg pouches to offset his utility belt's lack of a cinch, buckle, or any other method for actually hooking together. At least he was able to get it in the extra-thick 'Image' size.

I could go on and on about the yellow banded armor under the thick cape front, or the strange blank yellow hole on the chest piece, or the silly fringe on the boots, or the bizarre energy blasters on the gauntlet, or the lack of a mouth-hole in the mask, or the tiny "Catman" style ears, but suffice it to say, I hate this redesign.

In the history of bad super-hero costumes, I think the Joel Schumacher Batman and Robin Nipple designs have to take home the Oscar (pardon the pun). His fetishistic take on these iconic figures put a stake in the heart of the movie franchise, which made this product tie-in ad I found in one of the Great Random Comics Pile just about perfect:

Batman's glare seems to be saying "Yes, I'm being called a fruit right here on this box, and because I have been given nipple armor (not shown), I am powerless to react. Not that there's anything wrong with that. And Robin, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, get your left hand away from there!"

If "Hypno-Hustler" isn't actually related to either "Disco Stu" from "The Simpsons" or "The Dazzler", he at least goes to the same tailor:

My favorite part of his costume is the big pink guitar. Because nothing says "Dangerous Villain" like Fender's "My Little Pony" series of musical instruments.

(Image ©2006, Marvel Publishing, Inc., from "Marvel Legacy: The 1970's Handbook".)

Considering the carnivorous-bikini-wearing tousle-haired no-toed blond apparently grooving to her own crazy beat; the crouching, leering, perverted toad behind the man with the silly frilly cape; the half-naked muscle-bound oaf at the rear; the pink and orange-wearing lecherous mariachi player; and the nudist glowing girl just off-panel to the left, I wouldn't blame you for suspecting that this is actually some sort of super-villain swinger's club. Can Lube-Lad be far away? The room is literally packed with super-villains, all of whom are gathered to plan Silver Star's defeat, but I'm pretty sure that's just an excuse for them all to get funky.

Regardless, if the man in red and blue is indeed the Emcee as his letter logos would have you believe, there's no way this party is going to rock. No one with that kind of massive upper-body musculature who would wear a butt-length cape like that can possibly have anything but disco in their music collection, and even Dr. Lightning Arrow Fellow behind him is turning away in disgust. And when you've lost the Shaft Master, you've really lost your groove, baby.

Not to mention how bad the guitar playing from our masked color-blind minstrel must be. Honestly, if you can't tell that pink bows clash with orange frilly lace piping, you have no chance of making it in the gay musical villain business. I would bet his only real super-power is Sartorial Suckage, striking disgust in the heart of the fashionable. Throw in the fact that even if you score in this crazy villain sex-club hangout, the woman will eat your "sidekick" with her drooling demon facegina, and you've got yourself a recipe for night club disaster, my friend.

No wonder most super-villains work alone.

(Image and characterfrom “Silver Star”, No. 1, ©1993, Jack Kirby.)

If this is Keith Giffen's adorable, zany Ambush Bug:

Then is this Ambush Bug on drugs?

Maybe Ambush Bug after not getting a good night's sleep? Too much Ambien?

Close.

Actually that's "Bedbug", a throwaway villain from the Topps version of "Jack Kirby's Silver Star". He's bursting through the wall there with "Slammazon", Gasbag, and a couple of other equally insane characters. And yes, it's ever bit as awesome as it sounds. Sometimes it's not a knockoff, it's an archetype. And as I learned from Joseph Campbell, archetypes is cool.

From the pages of "Jack Kirby's Secret City" comes the ferocious General Ordiz and his ... tape recorder?

Seriously, his shtick is that has a tape recorder strapped to his chest with a long wired microphone thingie in his hand. At least I sure hope that's a microphone, because the other thing it looks like, well, it's not really appropriate for a family-oriented blog. It would, however, be very scary to see one wielded by your opponent.

I don't have any issues of the saga wherein General Ordiz takes any sort of direct action, but I'll bet his trademark Witty Repartee is something like "Any last words?" right before he beats the snot out of his enemy with his club/microphone/deviant toy.

(Image ©1993, Jack Kirby.)

This may be the greatest bad super of all time. Or the baddest great super, I can't decide.

How can you not love a giant, inflatable guy named "Gasbag" whose power is to belch out various noxious clouds, accompanied by an explosive FRAAAPPP? I mean, we're all either working alongside or related to someone exactly like this; let's just be thankful the real life versions don't actually wear spandex, or they wouldn't be the only ones hurling at supersonic velocities.

I wouldn't call this a "bad super costume" necessarily (although I do wonder why her boots are different sizes and how in the name of all that's spandex her breasts don't come flying out of those metal plate cups), but I am posting it here because I love her name so much.

Slammazon. It just rolls off the tongue, dripping with promise of strong-woman, face-punching, metal-armed awesomeosity. No outfit could measure up to a name that great, so I give Kirby a pass on this one -- she looks good, but according to the laws of physics (or meteorology, I can never remember which) it's literally impossible to design a uniform as glorious as that moniker.

The gigantic pink "SHBOOM" accompanying her entrance is spot-on, though, the only way it could be better is if instead of "SHBOOM" it said (in the same font and color) "SLAMMAZON!". Because a name that good deserves to be both a character and a sound effect.

In 1982, Daryl Hall and John Oates (the Ren and Stimpy of the early 80's pop music scene) recorded a classic song called "Maneater". In 1993, Jack Kirby turned that fabled duo's musical masterpiece into visual form:

Let's mediate for a moment on that epic song's lyrics and reflect on how perfectly this character's non-outfit embodies it:

She'll only come out at night
The lean and hungry type
...
The woman is wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a jaguar
...
Oh here she comes
Watch out boy she'll chew you up
Oh here she comes
Shes a maneater
...
I wouldn't if I were you
I know what she can do
Shes deadly man, and she could really rip your world apart
...
Oh here she comes
Watch out boy she'll chew you up
Oh here she comes
Shes a maneater

I cannot imagine a more apt depiction of a "Maneater" than a woman with fang-tipped skulls at breasts and groin. And just look at the seductive evil of her disco-dancing pose; clearly this lady is one wicked customer.

Or maybe she's just misled. Maybe she ordered some edible panties, not realizing that in fact the panties eat you. At least you can be sure that's the last time she buys from "Vlad's of Hollywood".

(Image and character ©1993, Jack Kirby. Song lyrics ©1982 Hall & Oates.)