Category Archives: Bad Super Costumes

I try not to be judgmental, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that "crapping fire" is not a bona-fide super power:

At least the flaming feces are in handy pellet form, useful (presumably) for flinging at enemies. Although given the way Spidey is cringing in horror, I doubt that's going to be happening any time soon.

If you were working for a major comic book company in the eighties and nineties, you were faced with a horrible dilemma -- no matter how many guns you gave your character, at some point there was a risk (however slight) they might get disarmed in some way. And let's face it, in those days a super-hero unable to shoot someone in the face was barely a super-hero at all.

Then, in a fit of pure genius that I am sure got someone promoted, Marvel came up with a brilliant plan: Put the gun inside the character! Thus was born "Bushwacker":

Yes, that pinkish-tan stuff is his skin and yes that is a bionic gun implanted in place of his arm. No, I am not making this up. In point of fact, not only is this an actual published character, but I submit to you that Bushwacker is the ultimate expression of the Image Principle, which I totally invented and which states:

No concept is too ridiculous if it increases the character's ability to shoot people.

Disturbingly, my first reaction on seeing this image was not "That's really stupid", but rather "How does he get the ammo in that thing, and where does it come out of". Which says a lot about how inured to bad super hero characters I've become. Of course I'm not the only one, as Wikipedia reveals others not only had the same question but came up with an answer:

He manages to load the weapons by swallowing ammo, such as bullets or flamethrower fuel.

I ask you, is that not one of the all-time great sentences in human literature?

Sadly, Wikipedia is silent on the subject of how the spent casings exit his body, although I suspect he spends a fortune on new toilets. In any event, I refuse to speculate on that subject because that kind of potty humor is beneath a blogger of my ethics and intellectual stature. (Seriously, if he farts is there a risk of a driveby? I'm just asking!)

No, what I want to focus on is why in the hell is there a shoulder stock on the gun that's built into his freaking forearm?! He ain't holding it up to his freaking shoulder if it's built into his freaking arm!!1!!1! I also love the way he's staring at the gun arm lovingly, as if it is the Greatest Thing Ever. Which, come on, it totally is.

Bushwacker, I salute you and the brain-dead, violence-humping perfection you embody. Well played, Marvel, well played indeed.

When I was a kid, while riding my bike I would occasionally rise up out of the seat, and shout "Engage fart boosters!" while taking off at a high rate of speed.

Immature, vulgar, and smelly, yes, I admit to all of those faults with my little scheme. However, little did I know that I was actually channeling the spirit of one of Marvel's greatest villains, Modok!

I might not have his massive brain, his chest-sized face, or his vast financial resources, but by all that's holy at least I had his fart boosters! I would have ruled the world, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids and their stupid dog, holding me down and forbidding me to quote "gas up" their neighborhood any more, end quote.

I'm the last person in the world to complain about an artist using reference photos for their comic book layouts, because I do it all the time. But women in comics are treated poorly enough without having your entire reference file consist of images from "Playboy", as appears to have happened in the pages of Doctor Strange (issues 10-14):

Continue reading →

I am pretty sure I saw something like this in a Bugs Bunny / Daffy Duck cartoon:

Apparently, though, this guy is "Chondu the Mystic", whose origin seems as mashed-up as his body. He's "The Mystic" because he dabbled in the arcane, but science transplanted his brain into one of the Defenders. Later of course (of course!) magic once again stepped in to re-transplant his brain into the body of a fawn (Dr. Strange is a right cold bastard sometimes), and it was only later that his former friends re-re-transplanted his brain into the current monster form. Whether that last was through science or magic is unclear, which is saying something given the insanity that has already been described.

In the high-falutin' world of art criticism (and stop me if this language gets too technical for you), this character design is what we would call "Bad". Generally you want to keep it simple, pick a theme and stick with it, but sometimes when you're on deadline and you're riding the Heroin Horse, you get a result like this.

More likely, someone created a "Comic Book Affirmative Action Committee" and they were given the task of putting together a character who could stand for the traditionally underrepresented parts of the animal kingdom. Thus:

• Equines: Unicorn horn, check.
• Reptiles: Snake tongue, check.
• Bowels of Hell: Demon wings, check.
• Avians: Eagle legs, check.
• Sea Life: Lamprey arms, multiple, check check check check check check check check. (Seriously, lampreys for arms?!)

I'm fairly disappointed that they kept humans as the Mammalian representative here; surely the powerful Bacterial Lobby could have done more to make their case.

(Image and character © Marvel Comics.)

I love Walt Simonson, but he was smoking some serious rock when he came up with Kurse:

Moving from top to bottom, what the heck is a magnet doing sticking up out of his head? I thought maybe they were curved horns, but does anyone -- even an Asgardian god-type bad guy -- need three sets of horns jutting out of his noggin?

Maybe, if he's constantly getting picked on by the other gods for wearing a veil.

I mean honestly, what self-respecting immortal embodiment of bad-assery tricks himself out in bridal wear? I keep thinking I should look for something old, something new, and something borrowed, but if he thinks those pale blue skull-eyes on his abs count as something blue, he's one misguided cross-dresser.

Moving on, I never want to make a bad guy feel he shouldn't wear skulls. Bonery has a long and honored tradition in the super villain world, and goodness knows I honor our great fashion forefathers like the Red Skull. But Kurse, baby, don't you think two skulls are a little much? Especially when one of them is apparently from a reindeer?

Sort of the whole point of wearing the bones of your fallen foes is to strike fear in the hearts of your other enemies, to brag of your battle prowess. But who exactly is supposed to be impressed that you killed an antelope?

And don't get me started on why the second set of skull appears to be munching on his groin. I don't even want to know. Maybe he and Prince Chaos go to the same designer? There must be something about having super powers that makes you want to have a tiny little man staring out from your crotch.

I've never been a big fan of characters having random bits jutting out of their outfits as we see on Kurse's legs here. I think Walt Simonson is one of the all-time greats, but the only guy who could routinely pull off this sort of fluff was Jack Kirby. Here, it just looks like he raided an Amish warehouse of stocks.

Kurse is supposed to be awesomely powerful, going toe-to-toe with the likes of Thor (and the Power Puff Pack kids!), so I understand the impulse to include all kinds of scary bits on his outfit, but it all just comes off as too much. Sometimes less is more.