Category Archives: Bad Super Costumes

You might think that having a bad costume like this is the worst thing facing the super-hero "Aviax":

But you'd be wrong. I grant you, having to walk around looking like someone's mushroom-induced Native American dreamcatcher / rotating baby mobile would be painful. And any outfit combining shirtlessness with elbow-high society-ball gloves would definitely be difficult.

But worse than looking like a loon -- far, far worse -- is being forced to use your powers to mate with a dinosaur in the hopes of one day creating loons!

You know you've lost the super-hero team sweepstakes when, in a motley crew like that, you're the one getting pitying looks for something other than your hideous costume.

(Images copyright DC Comics, Inc. and courtesy of Cracked.com. Thanks to reader PCFDPGrey for sending me the link. OK, maybe thanks isn't the right word, because now I have been exposed to super-bestiality, but you get the idea.)

With heartfelt thanks to Chris Sims for burning out my retinas with his retrospective of the Marvel Swimsuit Edition comics of the morally turgid Nineties, I present to you what is possibly the worst costume ever. Anywhere. In this, or any conceivable universe:

Seashells on man-parts is wrong. Just wrong. Let's not even get into how staggeringly uncomfortable that thing must be to wear, with the ridges and the coral and the sharp bits ... man, talk about "shrinkage". ::shudder::

Here's how bad it is. It's so bad that just wearing it has turned Namor into a walking, noseless, undead mummy aqua-zombie. With incredibly viscous water oozing down his disturbingly ribbed musculature. It's either that, or the sight of his skimpy shell-Speedo got the local sperm whale a little too excited.

(Image and character ©1995, Marvel Comics, and the responsibility of Joe Quesada, who should be ashamed. Forever.)

I've shown you the right way to do awesome real-life super-hero costumes before (like the Wolverine claw guy), but in honor of this being the Bad Costume Wednesday after Halloween, and in keeping with the theme of the week, I wanted to show you a really, really bad attempt at the same effect:

Bad Wolverine costume from WTFCostumes.com

Like Wolverine would ever use a fork.

For more awesome (and not so awesome) real-life super-hero comics, check out WTFCostumes.com.

Just beware the naked Spider-Man, that's all I'm saying. ::shudder::

In general, you don't want to associate yourself with a chicken when planning your super-adventuring career. I'm not saying chickens are bad animals, I'm just saying they're stupid, prone to killing themselves in spectacularly foolish ways, smelly, cowardly, and tasty when deep fried, none of which are attributes you particularly want to identify yourself with.

Unfortunately, no one gave Black Talon the memo:

I get that he's a big scary voodoo guy, but somehow he missed the point that while chickens commonly appear in voodoo rituals, it's almost always as a result of having their heads chopped off and their blood drained into a bowl for drinking!

Besides the alarming connotations (has he never even HEARD of KFC?!), this costume has other problems. First, you never want to consider an outfit that involves a diaper. If you're incontinent or prone to wetting yourself when danger threatens, maybe super villainy isn't your ideal career choice.

Second, the hard and fast rule of super-adventuring is that no one can successfully pull off a bird beak as part of their headgear. Not even Hawkman.

Finally, no costume should ever involve bird feet. Ever. They look ridiculous and will inevitably trip you up if you need to flee the scene which, let's be honest, is quite likely if you're oblivious enough to name yourself after a chicken.

(Character and image © Marvel Comics.)

Choosing between two different levels of epic failure can be tough. What was worse, "Superman IV" or "Batman 4"? What's longer, infinity or infinity plus one? Or even, which is worse, the original Falcon costume:

Or the red and white one that replaced it?

On one hand, the original costume was a masterpiece of Seventies Blacksploitation tropes, from the crazy bird medallion to the plunging neckline to the Michael Jackson-anticipating single glove. You also have to admire anyone willing to go out wearing red and green year-round and not just at Christmas. He's sort of like Disco Santa, but with an edge.

On the other hand, the "modern" red and white version is a travesty of both form and function, from the pathetically inadequate armpit feathers to the absurd tiny yellow faux talons on his feet to the is-that-a-beak-or-acne yellow doohickey stapled to the bridge of his nose. Honestly, I don't understand how any self-respecting raptor could bear to be seen in public with that travesty of an attempt to look like a bird.

For the love of Pete, he's got fake red wings on his stomach! I bet half the screeching that bird does is a vain attempt to say "You don't fly with your tummy, idiot!" and the other half is "Someone shoot me, please!"

At least he kept the virile plunging neck, although without the big gold belt buckle it looks more like a vest. And nothing says "Fear me, villain" like a vest.

I suspect that scholars will debate this deep question of relative suckitude for as long as we have internets. Or retinas to be burned by looking at these outfits. Or a flock of angry falcons, their wings ceaselessly beating out their plaintive wail of fashion-inspired despair.

Look, if cross-dressing is your thing, more power to you. I suspect, however, that Jimmy Olsen did not enter into this emerald travesty of mini-skirt and go-go boots of his own volition, but rather is experiencing yet more side-effects from whatever "give me super powers for a day" potion he's chugged willy-nilly this time:

Perhaps Jimmy got confused, and thought he was Supergirl's best pal, and so wore a costume to honor her. Or maybe he just gets his jollies flashing the crowd as he uses his newly acquired power of flight. Regardless, if you're dressed worse than a guy with his underwear on the outside and a trapeze artist, odds are you should consider going into a different line of work. Or at least a different line of fashion.

(Image and characters © DC Comics, Inc.)

My latest theory is that Wonder Man's costume is so bad, it infects the costumes of all the people around him too. We saw it with the West Coast Avengers, and we see it again in this dubiously-named villain called "Hit Maker":

This guy looks like Sinestro and Colossus somehow got busy and had a bizarre hip-hop bastard child with poor fashion sense. And believe me, this is one DC-Marvel crossover that should have died aborning in the editorial offices, because it's one of the worst outfits I've ever seen. From the big gold bling ring bar on his right hand to the inexplicable armor that only covers the arms and legs (corporate motto: "Why cover the vitals when you can save a limb!"), it's all just wrong wrong wrong.

And then there are the reverse-C clamp things on his thighs. I am trying really hard to imagine a more useless accoutrement, but am coming up blank. What's the point of armor that only covers a four inch high strip on the back of your thighs, leaving the front open? I mean sure, if it were festooned with pouches or something I could see it, but as is, it's just bizarre.

The worst part of the whole thing, though, is the giant metal yellow "H" and "M" shoulder pads. Seriously, what the heck were they thinking with this? Did he see Wonder Man's giant W and M costume and think "I have GOT to have that"? Does he have some sort of memory problem and constantly forgets his name, needing the mnemonic trick of his initials constantly on his body to remind him?

I bet Beast is glowering like that because the artist in charge wanted to continue the "Initials On Their Bodies" motif by shaving a ginormous "B" in his chest fur. Sadly, even that would be a better look than this orange-skinned no-long-term-memory MC Hammer wannabe sports. "Hit Maker" and his costume are definitely one hit that should never have been made.

(Characters and image copyright Marvel Comics, Inc.)

I'm going to get grief from my friend Rob Rogers (author of the super-hero novel "Devil's Cape", which you should buy if you haven't already) over this, but I think the West Coast Avengers in this cover shot should win the award for Worst Dressed Team Ever:

Staring at the left, we have Iron Man, who in blatant violation of accepted fashion norms is wearing white after Easter. Or is it before Easter? Regardless, Iron Man should never wear white. First of all, white is the color of purity, and I think we can all agree that Tony Stark is anything but pure. And second, Iron Man in anything but gold and red is like Santa Claus in fuchsia. It just doesn't scan, daddy-o. If I recall correctly, that armor also featured the triangular chest blaster, which had the dubious distinction of sucking rather than blowing. This particular configuration was like the New Coke of super-hero fashion, something better left unremembered and buried as quickly as possible.

Then you've got the Poorly Dressed Super Couple, Mockingbird and Hawkeye. I never understood Mockingbird's enormous flappy sleeves. Combined with her big sweeping eye mask, she looks like she's right on the cusp of exploding somehow. It's not the worst outfit ever or anything, but it's not good. Especially when she stands next to her purple-clad husband with equally sweeping facial garb. Sometimes, putting two mediocre costumes side-by-side in a married-couple situation just makes each of them worse. Kind of like marriage itself! Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night, please, tip your waitresses.

I'm going to skip Tigra altogether, because I don't want to cast aspersions on anyone who's into furries. But yeah, not my thing. And you know, having a mostly-naked furry chick with a tiger tail and claws and eyes and ears next to all these very heavily-garbed men, particularly one in armor, and it's just ... eww.

Luckily, the Gang Who Couldn't Dress Straight is being attacked by the equally fashion-challenged Graviton, featuring his specially designed nuclear jock strap. I bet he's a real hit at the League of Super Villains Con each year.

Finally, we come to the guy who may just be up for the Lifetime Achievement Award in Serial Bad Costuming, Wonder Man. This poor sap can't catch a break, despite spending his career in Los Angeles, which features more fashion designers per square foot than virgins at Dragon*Con. And that's saying something.

Look at the monstrosity he's sporting in this episode. You've got bright green and red, which shouldn't exist anywhere outside of a Macy's Christmas window display, broken up with a huge yellow diamond in his gut. Why? We in the West Coast Avengers Auxiliary Tailor's Corps like to ask rather, "Why not, we're all color blind here anyway, screw it." Granted that motto doesn't fit easily on a ball cap, but we like it.

But the colors aren't the worst part. Not even the awkward bulbous yellow jet pack is the worst part, despite the fact that Tony Stark (who's ON THE SAME TEAM) could have designed something cooler looking in the time it would take him to down his sixth martini of the morning.

No, the worst part is that the giant red stripes are supposed to form the joined letters "W" and "M" for "Wonder Man".

Yeah, I know. Think about that for a minute and sit back in awe.

Why don't they just let the poor bastard stay dead if they're going to treat him like this? Look, I'm not saying his original outfit, designed by "Three Blind Mice Fashions", was a high point in the garment industry. But I AM saying that it was better than this horrible monstrosity.

The best hope for this group is that Graviton finishes them off and puts them out of our misery, because they really should have been called "The Fashion Injustice League" rather than the West Coast Avengers. This is LA, people, have some respect!

We all remember our "first", and for me that "first" involved a muscular young man with a magnetic personality wearing a black corset and little else:

I'm talking, of course, about my first "bad super hero costume", courtesy of the Legion of Super-Heroes' Cosmic Boy. It was the first time I remember consciously thinking "Wow, that's ugly." And I lived through The Creeper, folks.

The ambiguous skin-tone color is bad enough, but it's compounded by the lack of a neck seam to separate out the nekkid super bits from the costume super-bits, and in a family comic that's a no-no. But to make it all worse -- cosmically worse, if you will -- is the pattern the black parts of the outfit make.

Specifically, the pattern of a push-up bustier that the black parts of the outfit make.

Now, maybe in the future it's cool for men to run around looking like half-naked ladies of the night. And I'm down with whatever gets your jollies, at any point in our timeline, but that's just flat-out bizarre. In a group that has Giant Bondage Lad, a guy whose super power is to eat stuff, and a chick in bell bottoms, it's really saying something when you draw the biggest laugh when entering a room.

Cosmic Boy, putting the "skin" in "skin tight" since the 31st centry.

(Image and character copyright DC Comics, Inc.)

In honor of last week's contest, which featured some inspired updates of Golden Age characters to modern times, and considering that this is Bad Super Hero Costume Wednesday, I wanted to bring you an example of a professional, real-world update gone horribly, horribly wrong:

On the left is the original "Hourman", and in my opinion he looks pretty darn good, even to a modern eye. I dig the simple black and yellow color scheme, reminiscent of the moon at night, and the black mask with the cowl, even the authentic hourglass around his neck. He's a cool looking dude clearly ready to kick some villain butt.

Forty years later, however (image on the right), when DC revived the character he looks like someone threw Superman and The Manhunters into a blender and printed whatever came out. Nothing about this costume fits the concept, not even the absurd clock logo wedged between the stylized giant H.

Look, in general if you have a gigantic letter sewn into your outfit anywhere outside the chest insignia region, you're in trouble. Return your clothes to the tailor and ask for your money back, because even though you don't know it, the odds are good you look silly.

Blue and red are overdone, too, and for a time-based guy it just makes no sense. Primary colors are for daytime dudes flying around in the sun, who have enough powers to incinerate anyone who laughs at them for dressing in their PJs. And let's be honest, no metahuman who carries his valuables in a teeny tiny fanny pack pouch attached to his hip is going to be incinerating anyone.

I can't decide what I hate more, the lady purse or the color scheme or the absurd boot-tops-without-a-boot on his feet. Maybe the "Captain America R Us" store ran out of the actual boots, or maybe his wallet fell out of his purse and he couldn't afford the entire set, just the tops, but either way that's just a ridiculous look.

If you look so silly that even someone in a black body stocking with a huge yellow crescent moon on their chest is trying to slink away so they won't be seen with you, you've got yourself a bad super-hero costume, folks.

Never mind a whole hour, I don't even give this get-up the normal fifteen minutes of fame due your average Pauly Shore type. Truly a case of "they should have left well enough alone." Or hired one of you guys to redesign it, because clearly, you're way better at it than the pros, at least in this case.