Category Archives: Bad Super Costumes

Admittedly, "Night Fist" appeared in the pages of "Hitman", which means he's more of a joke than anything intended to be "serious", but I can't let the Greatest Bad Costume Element Since the Sword Gun pass without comment:

Those are giant wrist-guard punch-knife-style metal gloves with fists on the ends! They're fists you wear on your fists, like boxing gloves only even less functional. By my count, that's at least four kinds of awesome.

Throw in the faux Batman style metallic helmet and the chastity-belt leg chains (?!) and we've got a serious contender for one of the all-time worst costumes in comics history.

Setting that aside, how bad is the actual illustration? It looks like some of the more egregiously rank drawings in "Captain Canuck" from back in the day. His legs are a disaster, the torso looks like it had a bad run-in with an Imperial trash compactor, and I can't for the life of me figure out how he's pointing outside that metal fist glove.

Luckily he got shot to death by a bunch of criminals before the issue concluded, so at least the costume can lie in peace. Or pieces, which is even better.

(Image and character © DC Comics. Many thanks to reader Wesley for passing along this great image.)

(Edited to Add: With thanks to the excellent commenters below, it turns out I'm an idiot -- who could have guessed?! -- and the Goliath below is actually the Clint Barton a.k.a. Hawkeye version. I am leaving the post as-is because it's funny even if it's wrong, and because the world should always have clear proof that I'm an idiot.)

Goodness knows Hank Pym's gone through his share of identity crises, veering wildly back and forth among Yellowjacket, Giant-Man, Ant-Man, and who knows how many others. So I suppose we shouldn't be surprised that he might have a "Bondage Meets Gender Confusion" conflict as well, as evidenced by his "Goliath" costume:

On the one hand, I have to give him props for being willing to wear a manssiere out in public like that (or for you pro-Kramer folks out there, "The Bro"). Granted, he did butch it up a bit with the big metal rivets on the shoulder straps, but you can't tell me that's not a bra.

On the other hand, I can't figure out how he's keeping that barely-covers-the-shoulders, abs-revealing blue half-shirt attached to his body. Maybe the manssiere keeps it held down, but I can't fathom how it stays skin-tight like that. I suspect daily visits to his local bondage shop are in order for some sort of body glue.

And I bet he's got their Customer Loyalty Rewards Card for the frequent purchaser, too.

I think adding a full-on leather wrestling belt, complete with straps and buckles, in that delightful shade of aqua is a further testament to Hank's level of comfort with his own conflicted sexual identity. Sadly, later he'd abandon his more feminine side in favor of a full-blown, can-we-say-overcompensating leather-clad "Check out the package, ladies!" wife-abusing Yellowjacket identity:

So to all you cross-dressing or transgendered folks out there considering a career in the super-hero arts, I urge you to follow the example of Goliath and not Yellowjacket -- own your identity, be loud and proud, and above all, never wear aqua with blue after Easter!

P.S. On a more serious note, how awesome is that cover?

(Image and characters ©Marvel Comics.)

If you go to your local "Kenny Rogers' Roaster" establishment and see a special advertised for "Roasted Chicken", you are going to assume that the meal you order will have either something roasted or something chicken, and preferably both.

The same rule of setting customer expectations should apply to comic book characters as well, but sadly the creators of "The Black Cobra" are unaware of the convention:

Because if you're going to have the word "Black" in your adventuring name, and you're a white guy, you damn well better have some black in your costume! A quick visual check using my handy color wheel, however, reveals that while the Black Cobra has yellow, green, orange, and purple (!), he does not sport anything black*.

Returning to our initial analogy, it's like Kenny dished you up roasted fish instead of roasted chicken.

Furthermore, an extensive HeroMachine Blog Investigation reveals that cobras do not, in fact, feature yellow**, orange, or purple in their actual bodies. I can forgive that partially, since at least he gives us some green, but if you're going to call yourself after a colored animal with a color that animal does not, in fact, possess, I am again going to have to deduct points for not actually using the introduced color in your costume.

Reducing this outfit's appeal even more is the "My animal is swallowing my head" motiff, which I've commented on before and never liked.

Plus, it appears that instead of a forked tongue featured in most reptiles, our hero has instead given his inspiration an arrowed tongue. I'm not sure what it's pointing to, but I am sure I don't want to know. He's also chosen to chop it out of the cobra's mouth and staple it to his arm instead.

Somehow, I don't see this guy being championed by the Cobra Anti-Defamation League any time soon.

Finally, in addition to him misleading us by setting false expectations via his name, he also doesn't grow in size like this splash page indicates, nor is his power holding up giant signs touting his own awesomeness. So to the publishers of Dynamic Comics, I say "BAH!" Take your fake not-black not-growing not-color-correct, tongue-stapling character and slither away!

For the record, here's how you rock a Cobra-themed outfit:

And that's why Cobra Commander is back, while Black Cobra never really arrived in the first place.

* Except maybe the face mask, but that's probably just shadowed green.
** Some have a sort of yellowish color on their undersides, but I consider it more like a beige.

(Image from "Dynamic Comics" number 1, 1941.)

Here's a quick tip if you're considering going into the super-heroing business: Unless your opponent is The Human Casserole, no one is afraid of oven mitts. Someone should clue Bantam in to that keen insight:

Also, "yellow-bellied" is not meant as a compliment, so you should avoid making your costume literally give you a yellow belly. Just pick up the phone and call Yosemite Sam if you're unsure how he means it.

Finally, I'm sure we're all very impressed that you were able to steal some headgear from the local boxing gym to finish out your costume, but next time, don't staple red poster board to it. That's not what your mom meant when she told you to "comb" your hair before leaving the house.

In fact, I'll go a step further and encourage you to rethink the entire "I'm a big chicken!" motif completely. It sends the wrong message to your inevitable opponents ("Hey Stilt Man, want to go fight a big chicken?" "Sign me up!").

Besides, the timer just rang, and I need those oven mitts back.

(Character and image ©Marvel Comics.)

I'm sure "The Enchanted Dagger" would tip his cap to the guy who designed his costume, only he doesn't have a cap. Or a belt. Or shoes, gloves, or anything else but long red underwear in what is surely a front-runner for Laziest Costume Ever:

At least he has the comfort of wearing footie pajamas. Those things are awesome. I wonder if he also has the button-up rear-end flap?

Holy crap, I can't believe I wondered that. Or published it. Gulp.

I tried to imagine an even more generic, uninspired, lazy outfit, but I drew a blank. The closest I could come was Namor's scaly briefs, but at least he had winged feet, which you have to admit is thinking outside the box for a guy who lives underwater.

You'd think with a name like "The Enchanged Dagger", a guy who runs around with -- you guessed it -- a giant enchanted dagger would have someplace to put that Enchanted Dagger. But unless he's sporting some deep pockets in those skin-tight underoos, I'm not seeing a sheath or anything like it.

If it weren't for that sad little domino mask, he'd basically be a crazy person running around in his longjohns. Which, come to think of it, makes him fit right in with the other members of the super-hero fraternity ...

(Image from "Yankee Comics" number 4.)

Atlas Comics briefly published a comic titled "The Grim Ghost", but I think maybe the fact that Dictionary.com didn't exist yet really hosed them, because this guy doesn't exactly look "Grim" to me:

Purple, aqua, and white aren't exactly the colors that spring to mind when I think "grim". A "g" word, yes, but not that particular one. And when I suggest that "The Gay Ghost" might work better, it's not in the modern derogatory sense but rather the more traditional "happy or festive" connotation. I mean, look at the guy -- that enormouse double popped collar and painted-on-jeans with flyaway purple bandanna clearly says to me that he's looking for a party. I think he's even got a frilled cravat, for the love of fashion!

My understanding is that he was some sort of revived pirate from the Colonial age or whatnot, so I can understand wanting to stick with the fashion that brung ya. But come on, one set of deep knee bends and we'll all get to see just how happy he really is, if you see what I mean.

Just going from the outfit, and knowing how much editors love alliterative character names, I think a better fit in addition to my earlier one would have been "The Happy Haunter", or the "Spectacular Spirit", or the "Phantasic Phantasm". Because the one thing I absolutely do not get from this guy is "Grim".

(Image and character © Atlas Comics.)

Look, I get it, the Image Nineties were all about the Age of Excess, with heads getting exploded and "dark" heroes and guns and pouches and basically every gimmick that could get a fifteen year old boy to swipe three bucks from his dad's wallet on the sly. But seriously, a cyborg zombie modern era Jonah Hex ripoff?*

Given that your editor comes to you and says "Hey, Mr. Big Shot Artist Guy, howzabout taking a few minutes off from the jeans commercials and knocking me out a cyborg zombie modern era Jonah Hex ripoff", I understand that you've got to produce. I mean, hey, the Nineties aren't going to last forever and those thigh pouches don't fill themselves with ill-gotten loot, right?

But what in the name of all that's good and decent would lead you to give any character a breast pump? Especially a male character?

Maybe that's what's going in the various pouches -- baby's gotta eat when undead Jonah Hex comes home, after all. Though given where that tube is leading after feasting off his engorged man nipples, I'm thinking it's not a pouch that's involved. And that's disgusting.

* I know nothing at all about Deathlok, and am riffing off just this one image, because making fun of super hero costumes is what I do. I am fully aware that he is not a zombie, but I'm pretty sure he's a cyborg of some sort and dead certain he's got at least a little Jonah Hex DNA coursing through the ink in his veins. Or something. I'm just here to make you laugh, folks, and if "engorged man nipples" doesn't do it, well then apparently you're a lot less immature than I am.

(Image and character ©Marvel Comics, may God have mercy on their souls.)

Slippers are great. I wear them every day in the morning with my comfy robe while I sip my coffee and look for super-hero stuff on the Internet to make fun of. But here's the thing -- I don't go out to fight crime in my pajamas and slippers! Apparently, though, if I were trained in the martial arts I would know how foolish that stance is, because goodness knows Iron Fist can rock the PJs look:

Those are slippers, folks. Yellow slippers. Combined with skin-tight Capri pants, a plunging man-region-length neckline, and the biggest popped collar this side of a frat house, and you've got something out of a disco nightmare.

To be fair, Iron Fist came of age in the 1970s, when we as a nation lost our collective fashion minds. My best theory is that an alien culture tried to destroy us by eating our brains through the techno-virus known as "Disco Music". Kooky conspiracy theory, you say? Well look at THIS evidence, I say!

Now I ask you, what possible explanation could there be for three such horrendous costumes at the same time other than alien mind-virus invasion?

(All character and images ©Marvel Comics.)

This appears to be King Kirby week here at the HeroMachine Comics Blog, and once again I'm going to be picking on a guy I regard as a genius. But hey, if you can't destroy the ones you love, who can you destroy, right?

The contest this week is oriented towards Kirby's unique costuming, so I wanted to highlight one tendency of his in particular -- incorporating everyday items into his super-hero outfits, particularly in his later Fourth World style designs. My main target today is "Ajak" from Marvel Comics' "The Eternals" (issue number 7 in this case). Ajak is sort of a herald, as far as I can tell, who comes ahead of the Eternals to basically assemble them from a kit on their new planet. Which doesn't explain why he is wearing a giant video camera as a helmet:

Actually it's sort of a combination giant fish with a big lens instead of a head, I suppose. Maybe they heard "Fish Eye Lens" and got carried away? Whatever, look at how far out the nose of that thing sticks from the head! "I'd love to kiss you, darling, but I can't get closer than two feet!"

Another example of this is "General Ordiz" and his chest-mounted old-fashioned reel-fed tape recorder:

Keep this in mind as you design your Kirby-inspired contest entries, hopefully it will ... inspire? ... you to new heights of awesomeness.

Apparently Hydra is going to play a significant villain role in the upcoming "Captain America" movie, but I hope they hire a new costume designer rather than going with this:

On the one hand, I'm glad they clearly feel confident, confident, dry and secure.

On the other hand, suspenders that look like overalls almost never make a good fashion statement. At least, they certainly don't inspire fear, unless you're on a canoe trip in the Appalachians with Ned Beatty*. And if actual overall suspenders look dorky, how much worse are fake ones that are just stitched into your blouse? Let's call them faux-veralls, because this is my blog and you can't stop me. And maybe they're tunics and not blouses but let's face it, no faux-verall-wearing lady-boy in a blouse is going to make me stop saying it.

Which is why this is not only a bad super-villain costume but a blight on the fashion world overall. Clearly, this is a mission for Captain America ... hey wait, maybe they should use this design in the movie after all!

(Image and characters ©Marvel Comics, Inc.)

* "Dueling Banjos" totally came up in iTunes as I was typing this. Karma, baby!