Category Archives: Bad Super Costumes

Life's tough when you're a seven foot muscle-bound reptiloid who enjoys codpieces and halter tops. Your evil overlords want you to go out and kick Captain America's ass, but all you want to do is .... dance!

To that end, it's important to always go out in your toe-free under-slung corduroy tights. Oh sure, the other ballerinas at the dance studio might titter and/or giggle, but those skinny skanks don't have crocodile skin that would tear Lycra, now do they?

Imagine how happy Alchemoid must be in the adventure depicted here. He's finally gotten Cap captured, and is free to unleash the awesome power of his Fouetté and the Patriotic Pummeler is absolutely mesmerized, jaw literally agape!

Note that while I may have made up the "fact" that Alchemoid is a reptile, it's incontrovertible* that he wants to be a ballerina. I mean, look at him!

Many thanks to Myro for sending this one along.

*(This is true only for certain very limited definitions of "incontrovertible".)

A few days ago, Photoshop images of Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern from the upcoming movie were released by the studio and upon viewing it I had to say OH MY GOD RYAN REYNOLDS' HUGE MODOK HEAD AAAAAAGGGGHH!!

After I recovered from the relatively appalling paste job, my second thought was OH MY GOD RYAN REYNOLDS TOES AAAAAAGGGGHH! Apparently I don't care for feet.

Buddy John really likes the whole concept, revealing a power ring that infuses the body itself, turning the bearer in effect into an energy construct. Thus you see the muscle striations and belly buttons and toes (ugh). But not the penis, because this isn't "Watchmen", people, grow up! Super heroes don't have genitals, we all know that. Or nipples. Because if you're not making babies, you don't need to nurse anything now do you, Mr. Anatomically Correct Person.

John also likes the way the green elements merge smokelike into the black areas rather than having the strict cloth costume or rubber boot crisp edges we've seen in other super hero movie offerings.

Personally, I'm "meh" on the whole thing. It's really hard to judge live-action costumes like this in a static studio shot, especially when it's a Photoshop hack job. You have to see it in motion and watch how it interacts with the environment before you know whether or not it "works". But judging just from these shots, I have some reservations.

I already mentioned how it's odd that some parts of the anatomy are in full evidence but others are not. That bugs me a little. I also don't understand why, if this is energy suffusing the body, some elements are clearly patterned objects (like over his thighs), but then merge into parts that look like a flayed body (the thigh treads go into the calves and the -- ugh again -- toes).

The deficiencies of the mask have been well and truly thrashed out elsewhere so I won't belabor it, but yeah, it sucks. Luckily from the trailer it looks like they're ditching it ASAP in the course of the story.

What do you all think of it?

Joining the illustrious ranks of villains like "Calendar Man" and "The Calculator" inspired by objects lying around the creator's home office as his deadline loomed is Mr. A. G. Bell, aka "Phone Ranger":

He started out as a bit of a joke, but soon became an actual, "No, really, take this seriously" character. In a real comic book, that was actually published and sold to people. For money.

Let's set aside the fact that he looks like the unholy love child of Tony Stark and his vintage phone collection. Let's ignore his uncanny resemblance to that weird guy down the hall who keeps getting his head stuck in various things. Let's even pretend that he's not wearing a phone as a collar.

No, instead let's open ourselves to the target-rich environment for combat quips opened up by this utterly ridiculous outfit:

• "You're really pushing my buttons, Phone Ranger!"
• "This line is disconnected -- permanently!"
• "I've got my fist on line one for you, Phone Ranger!"
• "Please wait while I connect your chin with my fist!"
• "You should love your phone, but don't, you know, love your phone ..."
• "That outfit is off the hook!"

I thank Myro for bringing this guy to my attention, and look forward to more combat quips and commentary about just how insane this costume is. Also, if Marvel could somehow get Calendar Man, The Calculator, Whiteout, and Phone Ranger together in an actual comic book titled "Desktop Avengers Assemble", I could die a happy man.

(Character & image © Marvel Comics.)

If your super power involves zipping along at extremely high rates of speed without the benefit of a canopy or windshield, leaving your nipples exposed is a Very Bad Idea::

And so the pernicious influence of Joel Schumacher on super-hero costume design claims another victim. Well, two victims, namely the severely wind-chapped nipples of Mr. Rocket Racer. That's probably why he looks so grumpy. Either that, or he really has to pee, and in his enthusiasm over cutting out nipple-holes he forgot to carve out a potty portal.

(Image and character ©Marvel Comics.)

When last we saw Angel, he was flitting about in one of the worst costumes to sport suspenders since Mork from Ork graced our national airwaves. Sadly for Warren Worthington III, his lifetime sentence of doom was not suspended, as he later was seen in this outfit:

Nothing says "Powerful Hero" like a low-cut shirt that reveals your navel while hiding your nipples.

At least his color sense is a bit less offensive, which in a different world would help absolve him for that ludicrous Eighties-vintage headband. Since this is not a different world, however, I have no choice but to mock it. Mock mock mock.

Which, oddly enough, sounds a lot like what appears to be coming from his mouth in this pose. It's bad enough they make him go out in public dressed like this, but then to draw him standing with that "I got the bad weed at Woodstock" expression and cockeyed stance, still dressed in yellow, that's just begging for more chicken jokes. To wit:

1. He's plucky, I'll give him that.
2. This costume is not exactly a feather in his cap.
3. He really looks like a pecker.
4. I'd scratch his eyes out if I saw him in public dressed that way.
5. The Fashion Police will not be pinioning a medal on him any time soon.
6. I bet his tailor was just winging it on this one.

I better stop now before I get arrested for Egregious Punning in a Public Forum. It's just good to know that no matter how lame my jokes are, they're still not as lame as Warren Worthington III's costumes.

(Image © Marvel Comics.)

Picking on the mutant X-Man known originally as Angel feels a little bit unfair, because let's be honest, you can't exactly get your clothes off the rack when you're sporting a huge pair of wings from your back. On the other hand, he's a millionaire, so I declare him fair game.

All I can say is, if I saw this flying overhead:

I'd declare Open Season on flying mutants just to protect America from being subjected to such a heinous costume. How can an outfit using most of the same colors as Superman's look so completely hideous? One word:

Suspenders.

Can you recall ever being intimidated by anyone in a non-Deliverance fashion who was wearing suspenders? Seriously. My biggest worry would be that he might pull out some chewing tobacco and spit at me, or threaten to date his own sister. And the fact that they meet at his navel frankly makes me wonder just what they're holding up. Surely he doesn't need that much over-the-shoulder holding power just for those awkward 1950's style swimming trunks.

Also, it might be cool when you're five years old to cut up your older brother's tube socks to wear as handless gloves, but on a grown man (especially in this post-Flashdance era) it just looks ridiculous. I can just hear his theme song now:

I'm a maniac, MAAAAAAAANIAC,
In the skyyyyy-i-yyyy.
And these suspendered short-shorts pull my
stockings way up hiiiiiiiiggh.

Cap off this sartorial wonder with a hideous yellow-bellied color scheme (seriously, if you fly and have wings you should never wear yellow, or you deserve every "chicken" joke you get) and red stockings with combat boots and you quickly see why he's closer to fashion Satan than fashion Angel.

Sometimes a little self-awareness is just an excuse to deluding yourself completely in every other way:

For instance, it's good that "Mr. Polka-Dot" admits his nom de guerre is odd. (Although were he even more honest, he'd probably just go ahead and call it "stupid".) But that moment of honesty probably left him blind to the fact that he was going to be wandering out in his stained PJs, flicking old grape jam splotches at Batman. I can see him now, filling out his Batman Bat-Villain Application Document, having successfully navigated the "Prefix" box ("Aha, I shall be MISTER whatever I become! It's right there on the form.") and then stumbling on the "Super Powers" list.

"Let's see, no super riddling, no super penguin powers, no hideous clown makeup, and definitely no 'Breakfast Stain Flinging' entry, oh bother! Ooo, look, 'Polka Dots', let's go with that!" Thereby proving both that Bat-Form-Writing-Machine has a sense of humor and that Mr. Polka-Dot does not. Thus, a failure of self-awareness destined to echo through the ages. With dots.

The best part about fighting this guy is watching him do a slow, unintentional strip-tease as he rips away his costume one dot at a time. At least then we won't have to look at his outfit for too long, for which we can only be thankful.

(Many thanks as well to frequent commenter Myro for bringing Mr. Polka Dot to my attention!)

I say if you're a body builder with lovely curls who wants to show up at your late-night bar bouncer gig in a dress and open-toe wrap-around sandals, you should totally go for it:

Trying to get a super-hero job out of it seems like a stretch, but then, who am I to question my favorite pin-up? After all, he has (and I am not making this up) "bouncing powers". Which makes sense because he used to be a statue.

It's too bad entertainment isn't as solid, intelligent, and completely normal as it used to be Back in the Day, amiright?!

(From "The Bouncer", 1944.)

I haven't picked on Rob Liefeld in a long time, but I must dive back into the pit one more time to discuss how even the simplest super hero costumes can quickly and hideously go wrong:

I don't know who this guy is, but he's apparently a commander in some sort of S.H.I.E.L.D. like paramilitary super group, and that's his costume. That's what he wakes up each morning and puts on, then leaves the house wearing. On purpose.

In his defense, maybe he's under orders and has to wear it. For instance, maybe he accidentally killed some puppies and rather than throw him in jail (wasting his super abilities) they said "Bob, you're going to have to wear this costume every day until your sentence is up." And then Bob cried, because sometimes getting a Super Atomic Scrotal Wedgie is worse than all the time in jail you can imagine.

I've said it before, but combining red and green presents a challenge for the fashion designer. Juxtaposing color opposites creates a bit of visual tension and you have to be careful to balance them out with other design elements. For instance, the Martian Manhunter pulls it off nicely:

Here the red directly against his green skin creates an intense focal point and adds a lot of drama to the figure. But it works because the high-contrast red/green area is surrounded by blue, softening the impact. In the Liefeld design, no such boundary exists, and as a result you're left with nothing but clash.

I mentioned the Super Atomic Scrotal Wedgie both figures are sporting here, but I wanted to add that baggy pants with very tight metal kneepads are also a no-no. Combined with the incredibly high-waisted belt and ubiquitous thigh pouches and you've got a bona fide pants disaster here.

The boots trouble me as well. They appear to have laces cross-tied like you'd find on combat boots, but no tongue or tie to keep them all together. I realize, of course, that's actually lazy drafting rather than lazy design, but it's still irritating.

I don't get the collar device either. Is he about to take a long flight and that's his inflatable sleep pillow? Possibly, but that doesn't explain why his right pectoral is festooned with Bic pens, nor why he's got a Dustbuster on his left shoulder, nor why he's wearing his thermos on his back. Maybe the forty seven pouches adorning his festive red and green ensemble are full of crack for his pipe? Because that's the only way I see this guy living with the shame of having to wade into combat dressed that way.

(Images and characters © Marvel Comics.)