Category Archives: Bad Super Costumes

From the pages of the truly awful "Fantastic Comics" number 6 (published in 1940, I grant you, when apparently anatomy had not yet been invented), we find the sartorial splendor of the stellar sorcerer himself, Stardust!

From the splash panel, you might just think he's a gray-leotard-wearing buy with a bad belt, but take a closer look:

Apparently, after stopping the interstellar profiteers, he raided their wives' panty drawers. Or maybe it's a loincloth, perhaps the one owned in secret by Bozo the Clown. Either way, I'm having a hard time understanding how you leave the house in the morning thinking "This polka-dot number looks good!"

You know what would make a polka dot apron/loin cloth/pair of women's panties look even better, though? That's right, leggings with toes sewn in!

I have several theories on how such a person might come to be dressed this way. First, he could be so alien his fashion sense is beyond human understanding. Second, he could be color blind. Third, like all too many geeks, he could simply be utterly oblivious to what it means to dress normally.

However, given this panel:

No genius-level galactic geek, whether human or alien, is going to misspell "Scientist". Not. Gonna. Happen.

Therefore we're going with "Color blind" and calling this one done, Mister Super Wizard!

Part of the new company-wide reboot going on at DC right now involves Firestorm. Apparently the editors decided it wasn't enough for him to be hideously dressed just once, opting instead to honor his long history of bad fashion choices by going for the rare trifecta of three bad costumes at the same time:

Like the Red/Blue Superman dichotomy, here we have Honkey Red Firestorm and Yellow Black Dude Firestorm, each with a version of the outfit that retains all the qualities we've come to love in the original design -- puffy sleeves, melting brain, puzzling Kirby stripes, and a wrestling helmet -- while adding exciting new elements like random lines and a monochromatic color scheme. My theory is that some version of the Flash is actually every single character in the DC Universe now, and that is why all their costumes look like his.

Luckily, Firestorm is two separate poorly dressed individuals who can use the fury of the atom to merge into one, even worse-looking, ultra-powerful form!

Proving once again that they are right at the cutting edge of super-hero trends, DC decided nothing sells better than zombies and so transformed Firestorm into the first atomic-powered, matter-rearranging super zombie in history. At some point this nuclear zombie ate the Thundercats, which is about the only way I can explain that logo. Furthermore, it's not really awesome enough to have just his brains on fire, so the editors have decided that all of his exposed flesh should also be in the process of melting down.

That's actually a lucky break, since if he were made of flesh and bones instead of melted nuclear goo, there's no way he'd be able to lower or rotate his arms out of that hard metallic shell's massive shoulder extensions and skin-tight sleeve holes. "I am Firestorm, and for the remainder of this fight I shall take the shape of the letter 'T'!"

You might ask why DC would re-launch a title with such an odd, flaming, nuclear zombie design, but shockingly, this is actually not the worst this character has ever looked. Much like the DC version of Marvel's "Wonder Man", this is a character steeped in sartorial infamy. It's hard to choose just one bad costume from his history to compare the latest travesty to, but I think this probably has to take the cake:

You know, when you're in trouble designing a costume, it's always worth saying to yourself "What would John Byrne do?" And then just steal his design for the iconic "Alpha Flight" relaunch. But -- and this is important -- you shouldn't just make your guy look like Sasquatch:

Unless your guy is a nuclear zombie who takes on costume elements by eating the flaming brains of other characters, in which case, go for it.

When I imagine what a male cougar would look like, a beefy 1970s mustache ranks high on the list, along with a stout midsection and a grandiose sense of self-worth. Luckily, those intuitions were confirmed and expanded on by witnessing the sartorial and sexual magnificence of Superman's arch well-known completely forgotten nemesis, KING Cougar!

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Gap-toothed farmer's overalls were not meant to combine with Eighties-era Olivia Newton John colors and fabrics. Sadly, in an alternate Marvel universe, such a fashion tragedy came to pass and resulted in this terribly unfortunate Gambit clone:

I'm from Louisiana. I've known Cajuns. I'm related to Cajuns. And I swear to you on my father's grave: No Cajun would ever -- EVER -- wear something like this. Not in pieces, not together, not in that color, and certainly not without some sort of matching accessories.

What I'm saying is, that alternate future must not only have featured the unholy Redneck Workout line of clothing from JC Penny's but some sort of soul-altering catastrophe that obliterated what limited fashion sense the people of the Bayou State have in our reality. And these are people for whom an undershirt is considered formal wear.

What I think actually happened is that in this timeline, Gambit accidentally mugged Dr. Polaris from DC's Green Lantern, and stole his boots. From that single terrible mistake flowed all the rest. Now it's socially acceptable to wear a terrycloth vest and purple Daisy Dukes when you're a guy.

We can only pray the Sentinels survived to wipe this devastation from the face of the alternate Earth, or we're all in big, big trouble.

(Image and character © Marvel Comics.)

I would argue that no character in comicdom has a worse fashion history than Wonder Man. I've talked before about his penchant for hideous costumes, but just to refresh your memory, here's a retrospective of the character's modern incarnation:

But did you know that Wonder Man's sartorial suckage is not just bad, but historically bad? And I mean that literally, because this is how the very first incarnation of the character appeared in 1944:

They were called "Four Color" comics for a long time, and you can see the tragedy that results when a hero flaunts that convention and puts together a five color costume. For the record, that's red, green, yellow, purple, and (though it's not visible here), brown for the boots. And those mutually clashing colors are cleverly arranged to cause maximum visual carnage. I can't figure out why you'd have horizontal red and yellow stripes, topped with an inverted yellow chevron just below the pecs, all on a field of green atop a set of purple biker shorts.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, but in light of this new historical evidence it bears repeating: Wonder Man richly deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award in Serial Bad Costuming. That's sixty-seven years of looking like a fool, folks! The only real wonder here is how he manages to keep looking terrible despite that many decades of retcons.

But I'll give the Wonder Man himself the final word on how to judge this little ensemble:

Because today is my birthday, I am going to take a bit of a departure from the usual "Bad Super Costume Wednesday" tradition of mocking a specific character. Instead, I give you this brief glimpse into the fashion horror that would result if actual men ran around in actual tights, which are the next best thing to their Birthday Suits.

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With excitement building for the upcoming release of "Captain America: The First Avenger", I think we need to take a step back and appreciate how far the cinematographic depiction of this iconic character has come. When I was a wee lad, not only did we have to walk uphill to school both ways*, but we also had to put up with this doofus on our tiny standard-def television sets:

For comparison's sake, check out the classic comic-book version of Captain America for an idea of what the uniform is supposed to look like:

Apparently the urge in the 1970s to wear a plunging Vee-Neck was so powerful, it could even destroy the symbol of America, because they eliminated the usual horizontal division of the tunic in favor of this vertical bifurcation of the stripes. The visual effect can only be described as the most patriotic suspenders ever. Wedged between them as if caught in the process of falling down the striped vee into his gaping man-well is a pathetic little white star.

I can only guess the star is fleeing from the even more pathetic, anemic "A" on his giant motorcycle helmet. Seriously, along with the painted-on wings, it looks like something a high school student would crank out ten minutes before shop class when he finds himself stuck with nothing but a bad cardboard template and the can of white spray paint he'd just been huffing.

And the helmet itself ... that enormous, sweaty, awful-looking helmet that turns him into a spandex-clad bobble-head doll ... I can only suspect that in this 1970s version, Steve Rogers suffered a Gary Busey-like severe head trauma while on his trademark motorcycle, causing him to a) wear this ridiculous outfit in the first place and b) cover his noggin with this even more ridiculous headgear instead of his usual mask.

Without the cover of the face mask, they had to have some other way to hide his identity. Because come on, if you were forced to run around looking like this, you'd be eager to hide who you were, too. Luckily the ultra-cool hep cats of the 1970s had the solution -- purple glasses! Not only does it reverse the usual covered portion (hiding the eyes instead of leaving holes for them like the mask did), but it has the benefit of providing a whole new color to the usual three present in the actual flag. Because nothing says "America" like red, white, blue, and ... purple. Oy.

Apparently by the time they were done turning the rest of his costume from "Patriotic Avenger" to "Suspender-Wearing Bobblehead" they were exhausted, because the best use they could come up with for all that wasted white material left over from putting his chest star on Slimfast was to slap them on his pointy red gloves. Something about them screams "Wonder Woman" to me, even though she doesn't actually wear gloves. Probably because 1976 Steve Rogers stole them, that's why. Otherwise she'd pull those bad boys on in a heartbeat. Or at least give them to Wonder Girl as a present.

Having completed the desecration of this beloved American icon's costume, finally the producers turned their attention to the most important part of the character design -- his shield. You would think you couldn't screw up a round bulls-eye American flag design, but you would be wrong. Sweet fancy Moses, how you would be wrong:

(I like to think that in this shot, he's saying "TAXI! Get me out of this pathetic excuse for a super hero show!")

Not only did they take his shield and make it plastic. Not only did they then make the white stripes see-through and turn the central star from white to blue (show me an American flag with a freaking blue star on it, I challenge you!). But they also forced it into double-duty as his motorcycle windshield! That's even worse than taking Superman's chest symbol and turning it into cellophane. I kept waiting for the episode where they'd find the enormous Tupperware container this lid came from, but alas, young bald Jeff was doomed to disappointment.

So when you're sitting in the theater waiting for the opening credits for "Captain America: The First Avenger", and as you thrill to the awesome spectacle of his kick-ass costume, take a moment to pity those of us who were forced to put up with this appalling spandex striped-suspenders with bobble-head motorcycle helmet incarnation. We've earned this new movie.

* In the snow. Yes, in Louisiana. Shut up.

Look, I get that Canada sometimes suffers from "Little Brother Syndrome", the feeling that their bigger sibling to the south is constantly picking on them. But it's awfully hard to resist the urge when we see someone like "Smart Alec" gracing their funnybook pages:

Stealing your mom's galoshes, sealing them with duct tape, then filling them with air does not make you a super hero. Nor does gold-plating your uncle's "Butt Head" hat. However, given that this guy is kind of a wuss, I have to applaud his decision to color-coordinate his purple Depends with the rest of his jammies.

As lame as his outfit is, though, it's actually trumped by his history. From the Marvel Database:

When the battle was completed, Shaman shrunk Thorne's body to the size of a toy and stored him in the pouch, hoping to one day find a way to restore his mind.

Thorne's body was later used by Walter Langkowski to escape from transdimensional space. Langkowski's soul took over the body and escaped from the pouch. After escaping the pouch, the miniature body was crushed when the Box robot fell on it.

You are reading that correctly. He was shrunk to the size of a toy, stored in a pouch, and eventually crushed when a Box fell on him. It's hard to have a more ignoble super career than that, folks.

(Many thanks to Myro for pointing this one out to me.)

Pop-quiz time! If you saw this guy wandering around, would you think he was a deadly super-villain or an escapee from the local "retirement village" ?

I'd have bet "escapee", especially since he's gadding about in his favorite green footie pajamas and a woman's feather boa. Plus, look at that pose -- it practically screams "Get off my lawn, you damn kids!"

On the one hand, I'm all for non-traditional types appearing in comics, and it's nice to see someone out there representing Geritol Nation. But did they have to bring up the grim specter of looming death hovering over his aging body by naming him "The Vulture"? That's just cruel.

On the other hand, this guy's going to snap in half like a dried-up old stick the first time he tries to pull out of a power-dive. And I don't think, in general, anyone over the age of 24 or so ought to be wandering around in anything skin-tight. Just say no to drooping.

Luckily none of that matters to Spider-Man, who gleefully beat the snot out of him on a regular basis back in the day. Sometimes it's nice to have an opponent who can be defeated just by starting a conversation about low-rise pants and/or that loud rock-and-roll music.

(Image and character ©Marvel Comics.)

I've seen enough bad super-hero costumes over the years that it takes a lot to shock me. But I have to admit, Hydroman's unholy abortion of an outfit leaves me almost speechless:

First of all, you know you're in trouble if you let Rainbow Boy design your outfit. Because if you do, you're going to end up strutting around in white nylons with hot pink boots and shorts.

Second, how on Earth does a water-based character end up with a deep-see-diving collar surmounted by an aviator helmet?

I know that personally, I always protect my precious leather accoutrements by routinely dousing them in water.

At this point in the analysis, I had two distinct working theories on how this costume came about. On the one hand, I thought maybe he was drunk the night he got his powers and just threw together whatever he could find in his mother's closet. On the other hand, I thought it was a distinct possibility that his sidekick "Rainbow Boy" designed it for him.

Then I stumbled upon this view of his outfit and I was more confused than ever:

That's right, folks -- Hydroman is going around performing super-heroic feats in a hot-pink thong.

So you tell me, is that a result of a drunken revelry through Mrs. Hydroman's closet, or the puckish fashionista Rainbow Boy having a bit of fun with his straight-laced mentor?

(Images from "Heroic Comics" number 26, 1944.)