This is one of my favorite things we have ever done on this blog. I love these stories and the tales of death in each and every option.
If you're just tuning in, our goal is to write our own Choose Your Own Adventure where every choice is twofold, with one leading to further adventure and the other to a gruesome death. Last week featured:
Itâs another boring day at your stupid office. You spent most of the morning catching up on all the Internet you missed while sleeping and now youâre behind. Your stomach is growling because the banana you bought had a weird brown lump on it. You know you should get back to work, but you also know that youâre hungry and donât care about your job at all.
What do you do?
- SEARCH FOR FOOD in the drawer that you havenât used since you started here 2 years ago.
- CHECK EMAIL to see if your boss sent any super-long emails you can read to pass the time.
We chose:
SEARCH FOR FOOD in the drawer that you havenât used since you started here 2 years ago.
You open your desk drawer and, underneath a stack of sexual harassment zero-toleration handbooks and porn magazines, find a bag of beef jerky. The brand name is âJackâs Linksâ âŚwhich doesnât sound quite right, buy hey, beggars canât be choosers and you need something to lay down on top of that scary-looking banana you ate earlier. You rip open the bag and dig in. Hey, this stuff isnât half bad! Kind of an odd color for beef jerky, but itâs really quite delicious. You get through about two thirds of the bag when you pull out a piece thatâs got a tattoo of a heart and anchor on it.â¨Do you:
A. Scream and run away in horror, or
â¨B. Shrug and continue eating.
All of the entries were great, you should do yourself a favor and read through them if you haven't already. But I'm going with borntobealoser's suggestion, so here's what would happen with each of the choices:
A: Scream and run away in horror:
âOH LAWD!â you scream, as your body bolts upright, and pieces of Jackâs Links fly in every direction. Before anybody can even ask you whatâs wrong, youâre running around like a headless chicken. Just ahead of you is Jimmy, the bossâ annoying little brat. In your panic you randomly remember that itâs âbring your son to work dayâ here at the office. You decide that this piece of information isnât very useful to you at a time like this, and continue your mad dash. Unfortunately, nobody told Jimmy that it wasnât âbring your skateboard to work dayâ, and you end up putting your foot onto Jimmyâs discarded skateboard. Down the flight of stairs you fly, grinding down the hand railing. If you didnât still have the taste of human in your mouth, this would be pretty cool. You end up in the main entrance to the building, and due to lack of control, you burst through the front doors. Out on the street, construction workers are laying down cement. âHuh, roadworks. I wish the boss had warned me, Iâve just had my car detailed.â you think to yourself as you continue speeding on Jimmyâs skateboard. Unable to stop, you speed past the barriers the workers have erected, and skid into the quick drying cement, and instantly become encased in rock. From the floor above, you can see that Jimmy has been filming the whole thing. It gets hard to breath, and in your dying breath, you sincerely hope he uploads the footage to Youtube. Your life, and adventure, end here.
B: Shrug and continue eating:
Meh. Whoever this guy was, he didnât have a great taste in tattoos, but he did have a GREAT TASTE. You finish the bag off, and lick you fingers. You scrumple up the Jackâs Links packet into a ball, and proceed to throw it into the waste paper bin on the other side of the office. It runs along the ridge of the paper bin twice before finally falling in. Hey, this is great! You think youâve just invented the latest sport: waste paper golf. Youâre surprised nobody has ever done this before. God, youâre an absolute genius. Youâre about to scrumple all of your important legal documents into balls to continue your newfound sport, when Angeline walks into the room and sits in her cubicle. You know Angeline is like, really into you, because she was totally checking you out at the last Christmas shindig. Well, either you, or the tall, handsome guy standing next to you. Nah, it was definitely you.
Youâre now conflicted. Do you:
A: Continue honing your paper ball throwing skills.
OR
B: Walk over to Angeline, and give her your best pick up line.
Now it's your turn! Write up the results of Choice A (paper ball throwing skills) and Choice B (try your pickup line on Angeline), with one ending in death and the other presenting us with two options from which to choose. I can't wait to see what you come up with!
