Because today is my birthday, I am going to take a bit of a departure from the usual "Bad Super Costume Wednesday" tradition of mocking a specific character. Instead, I give you this brief glimpse into the fashion horror that would result if actual men ran around in actual tights, which are the next best thing to their Birthday Suits.
First, the politically incorrect truth is that not every man (like yours truly, for one) has a body built for Spandex:
And yet, when you wear tights, the body you've got is the body we see.
"But, Jeff," I hear you saying, "surely super heroes would accessorize, adding different colors and boots and whatnot!" To which I can only retort:
Of course then you have your more metallic sorts of characters like Iron Man, who gad about in ostensibly more concealing garb. Which, nonetheless, always manages to look like shiny Spandex, leading to:
It's hard to walk the line between "Atomic Wedgie" and "The Complete Absence of Crack" when it comes to form-hugging fabric. How Batman does everything he does without having to stop every ten seconds to yank his tights out of his butt, I will never know.
Lest you still think I'm off-base in my projection of the horror we would all have to face in a world where our fellow man raced around in tights, I'll just leave you with this:
Kinda makes you glad super-hero costumes are only make-believe, doesn't it? As one of the aforementioned not-quite-super-model men, I for one am ecstatic I can just cover all the horror with jeans and loose shirts.
Still, whatever shape your personal Birthday Suit is in, be proud of it and take care of it, because getting a new one isn't as easy as wandering down to the Marvel Bullpen!
